


A Beautiful Beast

by anyothergirl415



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-05
Updated: 2011-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-26 23:50:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/289245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyothergirl415/pseuds/anyothergirl415
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Burdened by his past, the oh-so-beautiful Jensen isn’t entirely certain how to act when he’s approached by the homeless man that’s been stalking the book store he works in. He learns pretty quickly, however, that like himself, this man is not at all like he might seem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There was a homeless man standing by the gardening section and Jensen could smell him even though he was a good five feet away. Jensen pursed his lips and looked away, annoyed that he couldn’t just kick the man out of the store. After all, he highly doubted someone covered in that much dirt would actually have a place to plant anything at all. But, there were rules about being politically correct and for some stupid reason Jensen had to follow them.

Four rows down there was a woman with a baby in a stroller. The woman was reading a romance novel with wide eyes and flushed cheeks and apparently, she had gone deaf because the baby in the stroller was screaming like someone had just stuck a knife in her. Jensen paused, clutching the armful of books to his chest a little tighter. It would be so easy to walk up to the woman and smack her, but there were people who would frown upon that sort of thing.

Forcing himself to walk on, Jensen glanced over at the young couple bickering by the wedding books and over to the older couple that couldn’t even look at each other without scowling. He could make up stories for both pairs - the about to marry, stupidly naive man and woman making plans for a future they probably wouldn’t have anyway. The other already married couple, both with lovers on the outside, only staying together until their children graduated and moved out because that somehow made things better.

Jensen wasn’t sure why anyone bothered with romance any more, didn’t they realize it was a myth? People didn’t fall in love, they fell in lust. And it was hot, it burned, it made every part of you feel alive whenever you touched him, kissed him, fucked him. But it always ended, usually with an explosion, and whoever was left in the wreckage was left alone and likely broken.

If more people accepted this as truth, Jensen thought there might be fewer wars. Maybe this was the solution to stop all the fighting.

“Jensen? When you’re done with those could you unload the Sci-Fi shipment?” Peter - his overweight, always sweaty, mostly creepy supervisor - gave him a leer and dropped his eyes, staring at Jensen’s crotch as if he weren’t wearing anything at all.

It made Jensen swallow thickly and turn away, nodding as he headed to the back of the store and the shelf where the books he carried belonged. He could still feel Peter’s eyes on him and sometimes Jensen wondered what the man would do if he called him on it. Maybe Jensen would get him to stop. Or maybe he’d get fired. Or well, maybe he just didn’t care that much.

Why did Jensen work at a bookstore he didn’t really care about? Because he wouldn’t really care about any place he worked and well, at least Jensen kind of liked books. They smelled good and they were simple. Even with the invention of E-Readers, Jensen thought there would always be books. It was nice to know there was at least one thing that wouldn’t slip through his fingers, not like everything else.

Also, Jensen liked organizing things. When he was really hurting, when the cold hollow ache in his chest was too much for him to ignore and he ran out of full bottles of Jack Daniels, Jensen could find just the slightest peace in putting books in their appropriate places. Another thing that wouldn’t change, the alphabet, Poe would always go before Rice and Jensen could breathe a little bit easier with that in mind.

Just as he was sliding the last of the books in his arms onto the shelf the shriek of a woman had him looking over his shoulder, eyes fixing on the romance section. The homeless man had moved, was now kneeling in front of the screaming baby, and the mother had apparently caught on. Maybe because her baby had stopped crying and if that was what it took to get her attention, Jensen thought she needed more than a smack across the face.

“Get away from my baby!” The woman yelled, jerking the stroller back and swinging it around.

The homeless man stood, his hazel eyes wide under his dirty brow. He shook his head and raised his hands and as Jensen got close, he could see something black staining his finger tips. “I didn’t mean-”

“Don’t touch her! How dare you even try?!” The woman was still yelling and the baby was screaming once more, louder than before.

Over in the wedding section the couple had turned to stare, their fight forgotten in light of another person’s public humiliation. Jensen wanted to roll his eyes at the obvious hard on people got for other’s discomfort, why was the world like that?

He wasn’t sure if he should interrupt or not. Spare the homeless man the wrath of a woman who didn’t seem to care about her baby until someone else was doing her job? Or did he let the woman continue to yell until the homeless man took off? He did smell after all and Jensen wasn’t completely certain he was trustworthy with that big brown trench coat.

Everyone was staring now, the shop wasn’t big enough for the screeching to be ignored, and Jensen wasn’t close enough to smell the man but he could see the pink under dirt stained cheeks.

“S-sorry,” the man stuttered and fumbled backward, bumping into the shelf of romance novels and sending a few to the floor with soft _thumps_ barely audible above the sound of the howling child.

Just as Jensen reached the edge of the aisle the man bumped into the glass door, his hand fumbling for the handle. People were still staring, everyone quiet but that crying baby - and really, how had she not run out of air yet? Jensen sort of pitied the homeless man; after all he must feel the eyes on him like an uncomfortable weight pressing against his chest.

“God, Henry, what is that smut?” A woman said at the magazine rack and the stares were torn away, the hungry little people seeking out the next big show of degradation and humiliation.

The homeless man used the distraction as a chance to get away and Jensen turned back in time to see the last of his brown trench coat flop back in the window. He’d get back to organizing and alphabetizing and pretending to be busy so customers wouldn’t ask him questions. He wouldn’t think about the homeless guy again because, why should he? Why should he think about anyone at all?

  


Jensen had green eyes and brown hair, a strong jaw he got from his father and wide smile he’d taken from his mother. There was a handful of freckles along his nose and cheeks and sometimes he stared at them in the mirror, trying to figure out how they’d gotten there and why they turned up in random places like his fingers and his ear lobes as well. He wasn’t blind, or stupid, or all that modest, so it was easy to admit he was a good looking guy. Jensen knew having some level of confidence was really the only way to make it in this world.

Just … sometimes. Well, Jensen couldn’t help wondering if there was some part of himself reflected in the mirror that wasn’t so pretty. Internally, he called it his Dorian Gray complex. But there was no painting hidden in the attic and any scars on his soul were there, just under the surface.

If he stared at himself in the mirror long enough he’d see them. But he never did, he turned away instead.

He ate dinner alone in his one-bedroom apartment, watching _Jeopardy_ , then _Wheel of Fortune_ , then prime-time dramas or sitcoms he didn’t really care about. He drank whiskey and beer and vodka – but not all together – and he sang along with theme songs in commercials and laughed until he was crying, then cried until he was sobbing.

Every night he dreamed about what he used to have, what he once cherished, and the ways it fell apart. He dreamed about hard words and cold eyes and every little thing that tore and dug and wormed its way through his very being.

And every morning he woke up and did it all over again.

  


Though he probably should have, Jensen didn’t recognize the homeless guy wandering through the maternity section. What had him stopping however were the obvious facts - that being: homeless guy and maternity section. He supposed it wasn’t impossible for a man without a home to get a girl pregnant but would they really buy a book? Weren’t there libraries anymore or was that all digitalized, too?

Speaking of, why did the world always feel so eager to rush to the next big thing?

“He’s here again,” Katie whispered, pressing too close to Jensen’s side.

He stepped away but it didn’t matter. She didn’t seem to get _gay_. Maybe if he cared a little more about not hurting the girl he’d show up in rainbow leggings and a sparkling top singing Avenue Q. But he didn’t, so... he didn’t. “Who’s here?”

“That guy. _You know_.” Katie nudged his side with her elbow and jerked her eyes toward the person Jensen was apparently supposed to notice.

It looked painful, the eye jerking thing, and Jensen smirked. “Have you developed Tourette's?”

She shot him another hard look and huffed. “Have you lost your brain?”

“Have you lost your book on witty comebacks?” Jensen could probably play the question game all day, at least that would be stimulating.

Katie sighed, however, and gave up. “The homeless guy! He’s here again.”

That was when Jensen really noticed him again and if he scrunched his face up and thought _really_ hard about it, he seemed to recall something about him and a screaming baby. Or screaming lady. Or both.

"Does he come in here a lot?" Jensen asked and he received his answer a moment later when Katie shot him a disbelieving look. "What? I don't work the register."

"Well it's not like he ever buys anything." Katie was clearly growing exasperated with Jensen's lack of insight on the matter of the homeless guy and she sighed. "You had to have noticed him before."

Jensen bit his tongue to keep from saying that he didn't _have_ to do anything. Besides continuing to work, since that was what got him a paycheck. "I've seen him before. Maybe the library won't let him in." He shrugged and for him, the issue was settled.

“You’re weird,” Katie noted, as if this fact was one she wouldn’t necessarily be proud of.

Crossing his eyes, Jensen leered at the girl and when his vision returned to normal she was frowning and stepping back. So what if he was a little weird? What was normal anyway?

  


Half past two in the middle of the night, Jensen was awake and staring up at the ceiling with wide, dry eyes. On either side of him the bed was cold and Jensen slept right in the middle because he’d had this absurd fear of falling off the edge since he was a child. In the distant, mostly vague part of his memory, he could recall being a kid, tumbling off his Spiderman sheets, and cutting his forehead on the bedside table.

It was one of those memories that came with a bitter after taste in the back of his mouth but that might have been the whiskey that had been threatening to tumble back up for over an hour now. Throwing up alcohol burned his throat and Jensen hated it but, whatever. It shut off the feelings; it broke everything down to simple basics.

Jensen would take the need to binge on salty snacks as his Jack Daniels chaser over the too bright, too harsh slap of reality being sober presented. If he could function at work on the alcohol he would, because sometimes the lack of communication made the conversations in his head a little too loud.

There was a message on his machine, Jensen could see the red light flash every so often from the desk along his wall. It could just have easily been his work or a bill collector. Both wanted something from him and Jensen would call neither of them back. Avoiding them was just as easy as getting wasted.

The list of reasons Jensen could still manage to be awake when the alcohol he had consumed was pumping sluggish and painfully through his veins was a mile long. Too long to spell out now, too painful to dredge up. Jensen rolled over and grabbed a bottle of pain pills from the nightstand. So what if he shouldn’t take them and drink, who cared if he didn’t wake up tomorrow?

Jensen slumped back on the bed and closed his eyes, counting the minutes until the meds kicked in. It would go away, he could continue to avoid it, because it was the only way he knew how to function.

When Jensen finally fell asleep his dreams were black and gray and tinged with blood and pain. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn’t fallen asleep in the first place.

  


After Katie made him aware of the frequency of the homeless man’s appearance, Jensen noticed him every time he came in. One time he was in the children’s section, another time the non-fiction, and yet another time in young adult. Jensen watched out of the corner of his eye for a variety of reasons.

Maybe the guy would steal something, but as far as Jensen could tell he didn’t even touch a book. Sure he looked at them but his hands remained in his pockets and his stare seemed more forced than interested. Maybe Jensen was a little curious about the guy, which was just as unlikely as the guy stealing from them. Possibly.

Jensen didn’t know much about homeless people but he figured this guy fit into the stereotype perfectly. That worn trench coat he wore was ripping at the elbows and the edges were frayed. He wore a deep maroon knitted hat, greasy brown hair curling along his jaw and the back of his neck. Jensen noticed that his face seemed a little cleaner and he’d somehow acquired a pair of mittens that had their finger tips cut off.

Of course those were just random things Jensen noted, he would have picked out details on any person who happened to come into the bookshop a lot. He tried to figure out if there was a pattern to the places the homeless guy browsed but as far as he could tell it was random. Jensen wasn’t sure what to make of that, or why it bothered him so much.

At one point he ventured down the self-help aisle that the homeless man was standing in, fully intending to ask him if he was ever going to buy anything, but a customer stopped him, asking him about Twilight and making Jensen even more annoyed. By the time he’d pointed the woman in the right direction the homeless man had gone, Jensen could see just the back of him disappearing on the other side of the window.

It shouldn’t be bothering Jensen, he couldn’t make sense of why it did, and he shook his head to rid himself of the pressing urge to _know_. He’d probably never see the guy again anyway.

  


Twice a month Jensen went grocery shopping which meant twice a month he had to deal with less than pretty housewives eyeing him shamelessly. And crowded supermarket aisles that never seemed big enough for two carts. He always got the same things, the essentials, and he was always annoyed with how long the lines were.

Like every time before the checker asked, “Did you find everything okay, sir?"

Jensen couldn’t say why the question irritated him so much. It shouldn’t, they were just doing their jobs, but he rolled his eyes regardless. “Yeah, I did.” Wouldn’t he have _asked_ someone if he couldn’t find something?

Then, depending on the checker, he was usually forced to do one of his least favorite things. Which happened to be idle conversation over stupid nothings. In this case, the checker decided to comment on how much he liked Hot Pockets, and then on just how hungry Jensen must get to buy so many. Jensen didn’t like being judged on his grocery selection so he simply stared at the worker, the look on his face conveying just how unimpressed he was.

When it became obvious to the checker that he wasn’t going to get more than a hum as an answer for his comments he, thankfully, stopped trying to initiate a conversation and Jensen let himself tune out the cheery pop music playing and the constant low rumble of voices. He paid for his items and insisted no, he didn’t need help to his car, and sure, he would try and have a good day.

Then, finally, he would leave the store and be free for another two weeks. Jensen wasn’t sure if it was the amount of people or the rather pathetic necessity of humankind to bargain shop that bothered him the most, either way every time he left the store he considered buying a farm in the middle of nowhere just to escape from it all.

  


Jensen wasn’t keeping track of how often he saw the homeless man but he knew it was more than ten times before that day in the middle of November when he showed up once more. Things were beginning to get a little busier, the crowds thickening in preparation for the holiday shopping season - and Jensen could list a million reasons why he _hated_ this time of year - so the guy stood out among the masses.

After all, the guy had to be at least six foot four, if not more, and he was always wearing some sort of knit cap and that same brown jacket, Jensen probably could have picked him out of a crowd in the mall if he had to.

This time, however, Jensen didn’t simply watch and observe to see if the man was going to do anything different. Because this time he was carrying a large shipment of children’s books and the stack was so high he couldn’t see where he was going. He was sure what he had run into was the wall until the wall moved and the top box slid off the pile and fell to the floor with a loud crash.

Then Jensen realized what he’d thought was the wall was actually Homeless Guy and he was a little surprised that he hadn’t smelled him first. Actually, he didn’t smell bad at all right then, so Jensen frowned in slight confusion. “I didn’t realize you were standing there.”

Homeless Guy smiled, so big and bright it almost made Jensen’s eyes hurt. It was like he couldn’t be happier about the fact that Jensen had run into him rather painfully hard. “S’okay, I kind of blend in.”

At that Jensen snorted a laugh because no, he didn’t blend in _at all_. “Uh, sure you do Clifford.”

The smile fell from Homeless Guy’s face and he shook his head. “No, I’m Jared.”

When Jensen laughed it surprised him, like he hadn’t thought laughing was something he did any more. “No I meant, Clifford. As in, The Big Red Dog?” Homeless guy - Jared - was still frowning in confusion and Jensen shook his head. “Forget it. Uh, could you get that box for me?”

“Oh! Yeah, yes. I can.” Jared nodded quickly and Jensen watched him stoop down to slide the books back into the box and heave it up off the ground. “I can carry it for you.”

Technically that was against the rules, the box contained sales merchandise after all, but Jensen’s arms were beginning to ache and it wasn’t like Jared was doing anything anyway. “Follow me,” he ordered when he’d looked around and realized all of his co-workers were busy helping others.

The books were for a display that was going to be a hot-ticket item come Black Friday so Jensen stacked the boxes behind the cardboard cut out, turning to take the last one from Jared and add it to the pile. When he turned back Jared was still standing there and smiling once more and Jensen blinked a few times to try and come to grips with the idea that someone so very _dirty_ could have such a bright grin.

“Uh, thanks,” he nodded slowly and stepped back, looking around the shop for something to do. Sure he’d always wanted to talk to the guy but now that he was faced with the opportunity, he wasn’t sure he knew how to.

“What’s your name?” Jared asked, his voice light with something cheerful and Jensen didn’t even know how it was possible for someone like him to be happy about anything.

“Jensen,” he answered slowly, just a little creeped out by the way Jared’s smile seemed to grow.

“I always wondered. But no one ever said.” Jared shrugged and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I like it.”

Blinking a few more times, Jensen swallowed the desire to ask the guy if he was for real. “Uh, okay.” So what if he liked his name? It wasn’t all that common he supposed, not for a first name at least. "Well I'm just gonna-"

"I keep trying to say hi," Jared interrupted, stepping forward when Jensen stepped back. "I keep almost saying it but then it's like I forget the word."

Jensen was caught between laughing and running away from the, apparently crazy, homeless guy. He did neither though, simply stood and stared. "You forgot the word hi?"

Jared's cheeks tinged pink and he dropped his gaze. "Nervous I guess."

The fact that Jared might have been stalking the bookstore just to talk to him was a little disturbing and Jensen coughed. "Well now you've done it so, yeah."

“Do you eat?” Jared asked quickly, stopping Jensen from walking any further away.

“What?” Jensen slowly turned back to him, his eyes widening. “Yeah, of course I do.” What sort of drugs was this guy on anyway?

Once more Jared’s cheeks were bright pink and he sighed, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “I mean, I meant - that is - do you want to? Eat. With me. Maybe?”

Jensen knew he could be a little cold, a little crass sometimes, and he was fairly certain this was how he would be described at that moment before the fumbled request from Jared brought a laugh bubbling up his throat that he couldn’t swallow back. It was just, completely unexpected. Random homeless guy asking him out? Jensen didn’t even know how to begin processing that. “Like, on a date?”

The laughter died in Jensen’s throat the moment he looked up and saw the sadness wash over Jared’s face. There was no hint of that smile and his eyes seemed to be watering slightly. “Sorry, I guess I thought... well, it was stupid. I’m stupid. Sorry, I’ll leave you alone.”

Jensen felt the hard stab of guilt twist through his gut and though on any other occasion he would have shrugged it off and gone on with his life, something had him stepping forward and grabbing Jared’s mitten covered hand. Their fingertips brushed together for a moment and Jensen frowned. “I’m sorry, that was rude. I wasn’t laughing _at_ you. You just surprised me.”

“So you’ll go?” Jared’s eyes lit up, his smile once more exploding across his features and making him glow even with the smudge of dirt on his cheek.

“Well I don’t-”

“Great! When do you get off? For lunch or something?” Jared was almost bouncing with excitement and Jensen was stuck.

If he said no now, he’d probably feel like he just killed a litter of puppies or something. Sighing, resigned, Jensen glanced toward the clock on the wall. “I have lunch in an hour. You can come back then.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded, also looking toward the clock with a slight frown then back to Jensen. “One hour. I’ll be here.”

Jared turned and weaved through the crowd to the front door before Jensen could change his mind. Somehow Jensen had just gotten roped into having lunch with a crazy homeless man who might possibly be stalking him. Maybe he really did have a death wish or something.

  


More than once over the next hour Jensen looked toward the window and spotted Jared. Sometimes he was peering into the shop but mostly he was just walking back and forth, like he was afraid Jensen would bail if he left. Maybe Jensen had considered sneaking out the back door but certainly not knowing Jared was standing out front waiting for him.

So if that was the man's point in staying it was mission accomplished.

His lunch came and Jensen lingered in the break room. If he blew Jared off his message would be clear. Most likely he'd never see the homeless guy again and that would be that. With anyone else and the decision would be easy. So why was he struggling with it so much now?

It was that goddamn smile.

Jensen didn't like how twisted his gut felt when he thought about hurting the man. So what would he do? He’d go out there, buy the guy some lunch because he was looking a little scrawny anyway, then tell him as politely as he could manage that nothing was going to be happening between them. Because nothing was going to happen like that in Jensen’s life, with a normal guy _let alone_ a homeless guy.

That was simply not something Jensen did. Not anymore.

Shoulders slumping with resignation, Jensen tugged his coat on and headed back through the shop, out the front door. Jared turned to him with that big grin and Jensen sucked in a slow breath. No, there was no tightening in his chest, Jensen did _not_ allow that.

“Has it been an hour? It felt like more,” Jared laughed softly, lifting his hand to pick at the frayed pieces on his glove. “Do you like hot dogs?”

“How are those things even connected?” Jensen asked before he could stop himself. He had sworn he was going to be _polite_.

Jared simply laughed though, apparently not that easily offended. “There’s a hot dog cart, I like it. We could get food there.”

Jensen hadn’t exactly been expecting them to go to Red Lobster or something but he’d thought they’d at least choose a place that was indoors. Somewhere that had health codes to follow or something. But Jared’s eyes were hopeful, his smile wide, and Jensen sighed and nodded. “Sure, hot dogs are fine.”

In truth, Jensen hadn’t had a hot dog since he was a little kid but whatever; one little hot dog wasn’t going to go straight to his ass or something.

As they walked along the sidewalk Jensen started preparing a speech to let Jared down easily until the man spoke. “Have you worked at the bookstore long?”

Jensen had been mentally preparing himself for having a conversation with the homeless guy but the sheer normality of the question was a little surprising. “Uh, couple of years. It’s a pretty decent place to work.”

“Everyone has always seemed friendly,” Jared agreed and Jensen wondered if he felt that way only because no one had ever kicked him out. As far as Jensen knew, he’d never spoken to anyone there. “Do you have a favorite book?”

Jensen’s shoe caught on an uneven patch of cement and he tripped, nearly colliding forward with the ground. Thankfully Jared’s reflexes seemed to be faster than Jensen falling and a strong hand curved over his arm, tugging him upright and flat against a broad chest. Jensen blinked up into wide hazel eyes and his mouth felt dry. “Sorry. Just got my walking certificate the other day.”

The amusement that flickered across Jared’s eyes nearly made them sparkle and Jensen had to step away because he was feeling things that he certainly shouldn’t be. This was not right, Jensen didn’t _do_ this.

“You look upset,” Jared said quietly, his hand still firm and tight on Jensen’s arm. “Did I hurt you?”

Jensen groaned and shook his head, tugging his arm free. “No. Come on, I only get forty five minutes for lunch.”

“Why?” Jared asked, quickly hurrying after him. When Jensen just looked his way Jared shrugged. “Why only forty five minutes?”

“Because that’s what my schedule says,” Jensen said slowly, just in case Jared really was as stupid as he was coming across. Jensen didn’t think so but that look on Jared’s face, a little blank, made his eyes widen. “Have you ever even _had_ a job?”

“I work.” Jared protested, lips falling into a deep frown. “I shovel snow, and sweep sidewalks, and I clean up the shelt- the place where I live.”

Some part of Jensen had been holding onto this little hope that maybe Jared wasn’t as homeless as it seemed. Maybe he was just a really bad dresser that had a particular fondness for the dirty trench coat he wore. Apparently, his hopes had just been dashed. “Do they pay you?” He asked quietly, almost afraid to bring it up.

“I get money,” Jared said just as quietly back, tucking his hands into his pockets.

They were quiet for a few blocks and Jensen wondered if he would even have to talk to the guy about this not working out. Maybe he could just be a dick about things and the guy wouldn’t want to come back.

“You never said what your favorite book was,” Jared finally spoke again, giving Jensen a small smile that was nowhere near the blindingness of the ones Jensen had seen.

“Oh, um.” Jensen hummed softly, weirdly uneased by the question. Maybe because that wasn’t the type of things he was used to being asked. When he went to a club and picked up a guy for the night it was, do you top or bottom? Do you have a condom? Can we keep the lights on so I can look at your pretty face? Never once had anyone asked him his favorite _book_ of all things. “Well, I like the _Count of Monte Cristo_. I enjoy Poe, his dark sense of humor, and his beautiful agony.”

“Cool,” Jared nodded though it looked like he had no idea what Jensen was talking about. Or maybe his technique for picking a guy up was to pretend to be interested until he got some ass and then moved on.

“Do you uh, have a favorite book?” Jensen watched traffic passing by as they waited to cross the street and beside him Jared coughed softly and shifted from foot to foot. “Something wrong?” Jensen asked, finally turning his gaze to the man.

“No, nothing,” Jared shook his head quickly and lurched forward as the crosswalk lit up.

Frowning, Jensen followed the man though he wanted to just turn around and leave. After all, it wasn’t like he was even being rude to the guy. But so far Jared had asked him a question he didn’t seem to want to know the answer of and now he was ignoring Jensen’s attempt at being sociable. See? This was exactly why he didn’t go on dates.

Not that this was a date. Because going to get hot dogs from a cart with a - however cute - homeless guy was the absolute furthest thing from a date. And if Jensen kept telling himself that it would surely be true. Just the fact that he was thinking this way was probably a sign that he should simply go, tell Jared he forgot he had an appointment, anything to be away from this man who clearly was affecting him on a lethal level.

“Ma’am!” Jared’s sudden call had Jensen shaking his head and refocusing, pulling away from the thoughts he’d been temporarily lost in. “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Jensen blinked a few times and frowned, trying to figure out why Jared was calling out for the woman that had just walked past them at a brisk pace. The woman stopped and turned toward him, stepping away as she clearly wondered the same thing. Clearly she wasn’t pleased by the idea of someone like Jared stopping her, maybe she was automatically assuming what Jensen had too, that Jared was homeless and six foot four and maybe a little creepy.

“You dropped this.” Jared held up a crisp green bill and when Jensen stepped closer he could see the _50_ clearly stamped on each corner.

The woman’s expression shifted to shock as she reached out, slowly taking the bill from Jared. “Wow, thank you.”

Jared grinned at her and shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck as if he were embarrassed to be thanked. “You’re welcome.”

She gave Jensen a curious look before reaching into her purse and pulling out her wallet, stuffing the money inside. For a moment Jensen thought she was going to offer him some type of reward, after all he could have easily pocketed that money and she’d never know until she went to use it and it wasn’t there. But then she was tucking the wallet away and looking curiously at Jared a moment longer before turning and walking away.

Jensen scowled. Why he thought any other human being might _actually_ be nice was beyond him. “Jared, why did you give her the money back?” He asked, stepping up to Jared’s side. “You could have used it.”

“But it wasn’t mine.” Jared frowned down at Jensen. “That wouldn’t have been right.”

Blinking a few times, Jensen contemplated asking Jared if he was joking around with him but there was nothing but a warm innocence in Jared’s eyes. “Okay,” he said quietly, letting Jared continue to lead the way down the block. “Let me ask you this, if we were walking and you didn’t see the lady drop the money, but you just found it, what would you do?”

“Take it to the police,” Jared said without hesitation, hands slipping into his pockets.

Jensen nearly laughed at that but he swallowed it down instead. “And if the police tell you there’s nothing they can do, that you should just keep it?” Which was unlikely, the police would probably take it and then keep it themselves, but this was hypothetical anyway.

“Well, if the police couldn’t do anything, and I didn’t know who dropped it, it still wouldn’t be mine. I guess I would donate it.” Jared shrugged again and Jensen couldn’t get past the fact that Jared hadn’t once seemed to entertain the notion of keeping the money for himself.

“But wha-”

“Hot dogs!” Jared called cheerfully and grabbed Jensen’s hand, tugging him forward to the hot dog cart just by the corner.

Jensen shook his head and his lips twitched into a smile that seemed to be impossible to avoid when Jared was around.

Following Jared’s lead, Jensen ordered the foot long dog and covered his with mustard, ketchup and relish. He was just taking a bite when the man running the cart asked for three fifty for the food. “I’ll get it,” Jared insisted quickly, setting his dog down and reaching into his pocket.

As Jensen took another bite he watched Jared pull out a handful of change and began counting it out, a couple of quarters, a handful of dimes, some nickels, and Jensen felt just the slightest bit sick to his stomach. The man at the cart either knew Jared or was used to people paying in change because he didn’t bat an eye as Jared counted out all the coins and Jensen nearly stumbled back at the other meaning behind those coins.

Without hesitation Jared had given fifty dollars back to that woman and now, here, he barely had enough change to pay for two hot dogs. People like Jared just didn’t exist, and Jensen wondered idly if the man was trying in some weird way to impress him. That was probably what it was. Because no one was that nice, it was simply impossible.

“Aren’t they good?” Jared asked as he grabbed his hot dog again and turned to Jensen with a wide grin. “Best hot dogs in town.”

“Have you had all the hot dogs in town?” Jensen shot back because he was still a little caught up over the Jared being so amazing thing.

“Yup,” Jared nodded and took a large bite of his dog, swaying happily from side to side. “Wanna find a bench to sit?”

“We should probably walk back. You know, so I won’t be late or anything.” Jensen knew walking back would get them there with plenty of time to spare but really, he was bailing on this as soon as possibly anyway.

Jared’s shoulders drooped slightly but he nodded and followed Jensen. “Do you like movies?” He asked, maybe a little hopefully.

“Sure, everyone likes movies,” Jensen shrugged and polished off his hot dog. It really was pretty damn good.

“Do you have a favorite movie? It’s really hard to choose. You could choose a favorite kind of movie if you want. Like horror or action or romantic comedy.” Jared was seemingly full of never ending energy and Jensen was a little exhausted just thinking about it.

“You talk a lot,” Jensen said quietly and gave Jared a small smile because he didn’t mean that to sound harsh or anything. “I’m not a romantic comedy fan but horror is alright, action, mystery, suspense. You know, all that stuff. I really like Will Smith, he’s bad ass. I think Tom Cruise is overrated and I refuse to watch anything with Matthew McConaughey in it. And honestly, not that she does many movies in this category but, Julia Roberts kind of creeps me out. Her laugh and those lips.”

Jared was grinning at him by the time he finished talking and Jensen could feel heat crawling up his cheeks as he looked down. “What? She’s weird.”

“No, that’s not bad. I just, you seemed really into that. Like talking about movies was something you enjoy doing. I can talk about movies, I enjoy it, too. So we could talk about movies together.” Jared continued to grin as he balled up the paper from his hot dog and tossed it in the trash. “We could go see a movie. If you wanted to.”

Jensen was supposed to be bringing a short ending to this date - non-date - and now he’d not only failed with that but apparently he was being asked out on a second date. Things kept not going the way they were supposed to. “Uh ... I have plans tonight.”

“Not tonight. I mean, I couldn’t tonight. But, Friday? Or Saturday? We could catch an afternoon one ‘cause they’re ... cheaper.” Jared trailed off quietly and it was the first time Jensen ever saw him look embarrassed referring to himself, like maybe he thought Jensen hadn’t realized just how poor he was. “If you wanna.”

They had stopped at a traffic light and when Jensen looked up he found himself unable to look away from those wide, bright, earnest eyes. Jared looked so excited about even the possibility of going to a movie and Jensen thought it would have been easier at that point to knock over a baby in a stroller than say no to him. “Yeah, alright.”

What was wrong with him? Had he somehow lost the ability to form the word _no_?

“Great!” Jared grinned and nearly bounced on the sidewalk as the light turned and they were allowed to cross. “Do you know the theatre on Hunt Ave? The bright one with the blue lights?”

Frowning, Jensen looked over at Jared and nodded. “Harkins Theatre? Yeah, I do.”

“Can you meet me there Saturday at one?” Jared said this as if he had some busy calendar and he had to pencil Jensen in but it was somehow his pleasure. Jensen wasn’t sure how a person could sound like all those things but apparently Jared mastered it.

“Alright.” Jensen nodded, not bothering to ask how Jared knew he had Saturday’s off. It seemed better to spare himself any mildly creepy knowledge like Jared stalking him enough to know when he was and wasn’t working.

They came to a stop in front of the bookstore a few minutes later and Jensen looked inside at the building crowd before looking up at Jared. He wondered what Jared’s hair looked like when it wasn’t covered by a knitted hat, or what his shoulders really looked like not bulked from the trench coat he wore.

Just about the time he started to wonder what Jared looked like not wearing anything, Jensen looked away and cleared his throat. “Well uh, guess I better get back inside. Thanks for the hot dog.”

“Thanks for the chance,” Jared said quietly, picking at one fraying edge of his mitten.

“The chance?” Jensen asked curiously, tempted to reach out and lay his hand over Jared’s to stop him but resisting, for obvious reasons.

“On me.” Jared shrugged and shuffled back a step. “See you Saturday.”

Jensen was left standing in front of the shop and watching Jared walk away as he tried to rationalize the way his chest was aching slightly. He could think a lot of things about Jared, about his offhand comments that held a deeper level of meaning, but he forced himself not to. Just to spare his mind and heart from an inevitability of being broken.


	2. Chapter 2

The more Jensen thought about going to see a movie with Jared the more agitated he became. Maybe because he had no number to call and cancel and every time he thought about standing Jared up all his insides twisted and churned in the most unpleasant way. It left his options basically nonexistent and Jensen channeled the annoyance into every other part of his life.

He snapped at the pizza guy and gave half the tip he normally would. Whenever his coworkers interrupted his current task, he glared and made his displeasure known. And each night he found himself dreaming of warm hazel eyes and a bright smile. Then he'd wake up hard and even more annoyed.

Out of necessity alone he would get himself off and he refused to think about Jared during that time because, honestly, he didn’t even _know_ the man. He knew simple facts, all of which should go a long way to deter Jensen from even considering the possibility of getting involved with the man. There was no _getting involved_ , Jensen wasn’t breaking his own personal rules just because he seemed to be unable to say no to that megawatt smile.

On Friday he went out to dinner at a nice restaurant downtown. It was meant to soothe some of his aggravation, a quiet dinner alone that he didn’t have to cook himself. He’d brought a book to read and was just opening it after placing his order when a strange sort of hush fell over the dining room. Instinct alone had him looking up, a soft frown on his face.

His eyes settled on a couple in the middle of the room that seemed to be the center of attention. Most likely because the guy was down on his knee and the girl was fanning her face with her hand, her eyes wide and watery.

“Becka, from the moment I met you, I knew we were meant to be.”

Jensen rolled his eyes _painfully_ hard at the words, straight out of the book of lies and deception. Jensen could translate for the man and it would be something like: _Becka, the first time I saw you I thought you were really hot and I wanted in your pants. Now you’re such a good lay I figured let’s get married for a couple of years then divorce with a nasty battle for custody and alimony._

“More than anything I want to spend every moment until I die loving you and you alone.”

It took all of Jensen’s energy not to scoff aloud. This part, the man’s emotionally charged words, could be translated to something like: _Right now, my lust for you is strong enough I can convince myself that we won’t change if we marry. I say until I die but really it’s until I’ve decided I’m tired of you._

“So, Becca, will you do me the honor of saying yes to being my wife?”

The girl sniffed, half sobbed, and quickly nodded. Everyone clapped and cheered as the couple kissed and the man slipped the ring on the girl’s finger. Really? People were celebrating the idea of a couple marrying even though the statistics of staying together were so brutal? Jensen suddenly had no appetite and he wished he’d stayed at home because this was not worth any well made meal.

  


To his surprise, Jensen found himself not only on time for his “date” Saturday but even a little bit early. He sat in his car, watched the clock turn to 12:58 and shook his head. He wasn’t looking forward to this, of course not, because this wasn’t the type of thing Jensen enjoyed. Not at all. Really. And if he kept saying it, people would believe it, or he would believe it at least.

It didn’t take him long to spot Jared in the crowd, the man being so tall after all. Surprisingly, he wasn’t wearing his trench coat or knit cap. Instead, he was dressed in knee torn jeans and a long sleeved bright red t-shirt that had a bleach stain along the bottom. The air was chilly but Jared didn’t seem to mind.

His light brown hair was all over the place but it seemed clean, soft enough that Jensen found himself wondering what it felt like to touch. He pushed through the crowd before his thoughts could go further down that path but his steps faltered when Jared caught sight of him and that grin instantly lit up his face.

Seriously, no one should be allowed to have a smile like that. It was possibly rather lethal.

“Hey! I’m glad you made it,” Jared said as he nearly bounced up to Jensen, his eyes sparkling. “I’ve been waiting.”

“It’s just barely one,” Jensen pointed out, looking down at the watch on his wrist.

There was a flush on Jared’s cheeks when he looked back up and Jensen frowned softly, wondering if that was part of Jared’s standard response or maybe he was embarrassed that he didn’t have a watch to tell him the time. “Still,” he mumbled and shrugged.

Jensen nodded and looked up at the board displaying movie times, rubbing along his arm slowly. “So uh, what did you want to go see?”

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Jared looking up toward the board then looking down, shrugging. “Whatever you want.”

It seemed weird that Jared would invite him to a movie and have no idea what they were going to see but Jensen should probably be used to the man being a little odder than normal people. “Uh, Buried? Ninety minutes about a man in a box?”

Jared laughed. “Really? They made a movie about that?”

“They did,” Jensen said softly and nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets and blowing out a long breath. “So, wanna see it?”

“Sure.” Jared agreed easily, pulling a ten dollar bill from his pocket. “How much do the matinees usually cost?”

That weird tight feeling caught in Jensen’s chest again and he swallowed thickly, shaking his head. “Why don’t I get this? You covered lunch the other day.”

“Alright.” Jared nodded slowly, looking down at his money and biting his lip before curling the bill between his fingers. “I could get us snacks.”

Snacks could end up costing as much as movie tickets but Jensen resolved to simply have the cheapest candy if it would make Jared feel better about it. He bought two tickets for the movie and tried not to think about how weird it was that Jared held the door open for him - and a handful of people following him - as they headed into the theatre.

Jared stared wide eyed at the brightly lit up signs, making Jensen wonder if he’d ever been inside a movie theatre before. He refused to think about that though because if it was true, Jensen’s heart would melt a little more for Jared and he wasn’t prepared for that to happen.

“Can I get popcorn and soda? I love popcorn in movie theatres, with butter and salt.” Jared grinned and unfolded his hand, holding up the ten dollars.

Jensen couldn’t help smiling at that because, really, Jared was acting just like a little kid at the movies, excited about the silliest things. He wondered a little about why Jared would ask if he could get the treats but maybe it had just been a while, maybe he wanted Jensen to say he wouldn’t care if Jared acted like a human being most nights and ordered whatever the hell he wanted.

“You order anything, whatever your heart desires,” Jensen insisted, knowing he’d cover for any of the difference. This was really no good, the way Jared affected so much of him or the way he had to fake not caring. Already things had made him _smile_ and that wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

Jared got a popcorn and a soda and Jensen did a quick tally of the numbers before shaking his head and saying he was good. Jared didn’t look too pleased at not being able to get Jensen anything until Jensen assured him he would steal plenty of his popcorn and soda so not to fret too much about it. For some reason the smile that returned to Jared’s face when Jensen reassured him made something in his gut twist and turn in the most wonderful way and he was smiling back, against his control.

They found seats halfway up the stadium seating and Jensen glanced at his watch, wondering what they would do for the twenty minutes until the movie started. Jared was happily munching on his popcorn and staring at the screen, watching the pre-show movie trivia and ads pass by.

Jensen looked around the seats, noting the couple already cuddled up a few rows down, and the teenagers laughing and throwing popcorn at each other a couple of rows up. Great. Nothing like spending a small fortune on movie tickets only to have it ruined by a handful of adolescents that had probably snuck in, in the first place.

“I like theatres,” Jared declared, pulling Jensen from his mostly bitter thoughts. When Jensen’s gaze settled on him Jared turned so their eyes were locking and smiled. “They’re kind of intimate you know? It’s like, you and me and the movie. When we’re watching we can pretend like the entire world doesn’t exist.”

 _But it does and you say such sweet things and damn you for making me smile,_ Jensen thought bitterly even as he reached out for a piece of popcorn. “You and me and the piece of gum stuck to the underside of your seat,” Jensen muttered, the closest he could get to disagreeing with Jared.

The man laughed and shook his head, running a hand up through his hair. Weird how, like this, Jensen could even fool himself into thinking Jared wasn’t homeless. He was just some guy - a _friend_ \- and they were hanging out. “And the sticky candy mess on the floor.”

Jensen laughed softly as well and shook his head. “Nothing like true romance there.”

At this Jared snorted ungracefully and Jensen watched the wrinkles in his skin form and shift as his smile softened. “Tell me something about you.”

“Like what?” Jensen pursed his lips, mildly confused if only because Jared already knew the basic 411 of him.

“Like, your age, and where you live, and you know, things you think I should know.” Jared shrugged then turned in his seat so he was mostly facing Jensen, his eyes intent and waiting.

“Well, I’m twenty nine. I live downtown. Uh, I’m single, obviously. Gay, even more obvious. I like beer?” Jensen wasn’t sure what types of things people talked about to fill the silence in dates. He used to, once upon a time.

“That’s cool. Beer’s good.” Jared nodded slowly as if he were trying to remember all this information.

Jensen let a few minutes pass in silence before he sighed and rolled his eyes. “You gonna tell me or do I have to torture it out of you.”

“No torture,” Jared protested through a laugh, holding his hand up to keep Jensen from speaking, or leaving, or something that Jensen hadn’t been planning on doing anyway. “Uh, I’m twenty five. I live not too far from here. Also single. Also gay. And like I said beer is good.”

“Look how much we have in common,” Jensen pointed out and he was rewarded with another bright smile from Jared.

“It’s like fate, we’re meant to be.”

“Well I wouldn’t go that far but yeah.” Jensen nodded and dropped his arm on the armrest just as the theatre began to darken.

A few minutes into the previews Jensen felt the brush of skin against his own and he looked down. Jared once more brought his hand up, passing side by side, finally settling over. His fingers nearly dwarfed Jensen’s and his palm was a little sweaty but Jensen still found himself turning his hand in response and uncurling his fingers.

Eyes lifting, he stared at Jared as the man’s fingers slid up to curl between his and their palms pressed together. And yeah, in that moment, Jensen really did feel like it was just him and Jared and the movie. And he was okay with that.

  


“Wow,” Jensen muttered for the tenth time, stopping as they stepped out of the theatre.

“I so did not see that coming.” Jared had caught his hand again just outside the theatre and no matter how fast Jensen tried to walk, he couldn’t shake the grip. Or maybe he didn’t want to. Not thinking about it was easier.

“Well nothing like going to see a movie and coming out feeling like I just drowned a whole basket of puppy dogs.” Jensen turned to Jared, looking down at the place their hands were clutched between them then back up. “Next time you pick the movie.”

It wasn’t until Jared exploded in one of those megawatt grins that Jensen realized he’d suggested they would be doing this again. Since when did Jensen start initiating future dates? Since when did Jensen even use the word date to classify this thing? Jensen thought this hand holding business must be no good for his cold exterior.

“As long as it’s not romantic comedies?” Jared suggested and just like that Jensen was no longer berating himself, staring up instead into those hazel eyes he couldn’t get enough of. “Can I see you again?”

“I don’t imagine anything will physically stop you from that unless you have some sort of nasty accident with a toxic chemical.” It was easier to give a sarcastic answer rather than telling Jared that he wanted to see him again almost as badly as he didn’t.

“I’ll have to remember to stay away from toxic chemicals,” Jared murmured and it wasn’t until that moment that Jensen realized the man was moving in closer. And Jensen was stepping forward to meet him, out of his control, his lips already tilting up into what he was certain was going to be one of those mind numbing kisses that wrecked him later on.

“I don’t do this,” Jensen whispered before their mouths could meet but he could feel Jared’s exhaled breath over his lips and his body tingled.

“Kissing?” Jared ventured a guess, his voice somewhere between amused and uncertain.

“Just, this.” Jensen couldn’t really explain at that moment but he squeezed Jared’s hand still gripped in his and clutched his forearm with his other and pushed up until their lips crashed together.

For just a split second it was awkward, their noses bumping in the wrong way and Jared’s non-response causing Jensen to start pulling back. Then a large hand was curving over the back of his skull and dragging him in and their lips parted as one as their heads tilted to opposite sides. It was a little earth shaking, the kiss, the way Jared’s tongue quested forward with a mix of control and timidness.

Jensen gripped Jared’s forearm even harder and swayed into Jared, more than a little disconcerted that something as simple as a first kiss could make him feel like his entire world was falling out beneath him.

Just when Jensen was starting to see stars behind his closed eyes and his lungs were beginning to ache, Jared pulled back, tugging Jensen’s lower lip out with him then inhaling with a shudder. Jared kissed like he had to put every single part of himself into that one action alone and Jensen wasn’t sure how to handle that.

Just like he wasn’t sure how to handle Jared’s wide, soulful eyes when he finally blinked his own open. “You look scared,” Jensen whispered, mind reeling at the possibility that he sounded as shaken up and turned on as he felt.

“Don’t kiss people often.” Jared shrugged and stepped back, pushing a hand up through his hair. “What don’t you do?”

“Date people.” Jensen sighed, wishing Jared had forgotten that little slip up. “Relationships. Any of it. I don’t do it.”

Jensen expected Jared to look crushed. He was preparing himself for the tightening in his chest that he knew would follow because hurting Jared was like stabbing himself. And there was that, for just a moment, but then Jared smiled slow and sweet and reached out for his hand. “Well I like challenges. Maybe I can convince you to give it a go.”

Scoffing, Jensen looked away. His lips parted with the form of words then he snapped it closed and rolled his eyes. There was no way. Jared wasn’t going to magically make him feel better; there was no easy fix for this. No band-aid big enough to cover the deep scars created from years of abuse and heartache.

“So, can I see you again?” Jared asked once more, stuffing his hands in his pockets and kicking his feet along the sidewalk.

He looked every bit like the child caught with his hand in the cookie jar though he’d done nothing wrong and Jensen still wanted to soothe him. “Ask me next time.” Jensen took a step back. It was becoming too much, the way his lips were tingling, the tightening in his chest, the way his fingers were twitching toward Jared out of his control. “Next time you see me, ask me then.”

“Will you say yes?” Jared’s eyes were wide and getting watery and Jensen had to get out of there before he just lost all his control.

“Ask me then,” Jensen repeated and swallowed the urge to lurch forward and comfort Jared, kiss him once more, drag him back to his apartment and fuck him for the rest of the day and into the night just because he knew Jared would look so pretty spread out beneath him.

Whatever Jared wanted to respond with Jensen didn’t hear. Instead he was turning and heading through the crowd. He couldn’t think about how he’d hurt Jared now, not when he still had to live with himself, with his thoughts and memories and a past that shaped and formed every part of who he was now.

Jensen knew Jared would be one of the biggest things on his mind over the next few days, he just wasn’t sure anymore if that was a bad thing.

  


Three days passed before Jensen saw Jared again and he thought it had more to do with the fact that he had an extended break from work than the fact that Jared was staying away. Jensen thought if he asked Katie about it the girl would probably say the homeless guy was there at least once every one of those three days but he didn’t ask because he wasn’t sure if he could handle knowing.

Jensen spotted the man the moment he stepped out of the backroom. Jared was standing in the Parenting Skills section and staring hard at the books like they were the most interesting things he’d ever seen. If it had been a week and a half ago Jensen would have shaken his head and moved on, maybe looking up occasionally to see if Jared had moved but mostly pretending he didn’t even know he was there.

And sure, Jensen was tempted to do that, but he kept seeing Jared in the strangest parts of the store and at the moment, finding out why he was pursuing Parenting Skills was more interesting then actually working. At least his co-workers would think he was finally doing something about the random homeless guy who always looked but never bought.

“Is there something I should know?” He asked as he stopped beside Jared, half smiling when the man turned to him with a surprised grin.

“Huh? About what?” Jared looked around, spinning in a slow circle like he’d grown a tail and not noticed before.

Jensen snorted and shook his head. “Parenting skills? You don’t have a kid do you?”

“What?” Jared frowned again, head tilting to the side curiously. When Jensen jabbed a finger at the little plaque that named the section, a deep blush grew across Jared’s cheeks. “Oh. Well, uh, I didn’t know ...”

“You didn’t know?” Jensen frowned, looking down at the plaque then back up at Jared. The nearest book on the shelf said: _The Troubled Child: 10 Tips for Training Your Toddler_ and Jensen blinked, confused.

The idea dawned on him slowly, so slowly Jensen didn’t even realize he was thinking it until suddenly his eyes were snapping on Jared. The man was taking a step back, like he could see what Jensen was thinking. And no, no way. It wasn’t possible. Because Jared was a grown man, _of course_ he knew how to read.

Still.

“What does this say?” Jensen jabbed at the next book over: _The Uncool Mom - How to Relate to Your Teen_.

“Don’t-” Jared half gasped and shook his head, stepping back and bumping into the shelf. It wobbled dangerously for a moment before Jared slapped a hand down on the wooden surface and steadied out.

Jensen followed his step, hand halfway extended between them. “Jared, hey, it’s okay. Calm down.”

Each breath Jared pulled in was shaky, Jensen could hear the stutter, and his entire face was aflame with color so bright it had to be painful. “Don’t- please- you just. I just wanted- please don’t.”

Jensen wasn’t sure what he wasn’t supposed to be doing. He took another step forward but Jared turned and ran down the aisle, colliding hard with the door and shoving it open into the chilly November air. Jensen stood and watched, jaw slightly dropped. It was the closest to an answer that he was going to get but it was enough.

So, Jared couldn’t read. That explained quite a few things actually. Jensen felt guilty though, he hadn’t intentionally acted like an asshole. It was a very real possibility that he’d never see Jared again. That should be a good thing, really. But his heart felt tight and his next breath was almost painful.

“Finally got rid of the homeless guy huh?” Katie asked, stepping up to his side and smirking.

Her hand settled on Jensen’s arm and he shook it off. “You’re a bitch,” he muttered and brushed past her to head back to the job he’d been avoiding. It wasn’t a big deal if he never saw Jared again; Jensen didn’t have room for him in his life anyway.

  


A week after the whole bookshop incident Jensen had trouble believing the logic he’d created for himself. He had thought not seeing Jared would be for the best. What was a trip to a hot dog cart and a horror movie with a bad ending worth anyway? Sure his stomach had done that strange dip thing when their hands brushed and locked together in the theatre - and he hadn’t felt that in years.

Yes, there was the kiss, too. Jensen had maybe spent too many hours replaying it over and over in his mind. But even if he found Jared, even if they somehow worked it out and he pretended like he could handle a relationship, it would all fall apart in the end anyway. It always fell apart and Jensen would be the one left behind with all the pieces of himself. That was why he’d created the walls in the first place, because he didn’t want to be shattered ever again.

And yet, there he was, standing in front of a homeless shelter three blocks from the theatre they’d met at. He didn’t belong in this kind of place, not with his brand new leased car and his seventy dollar jeans, twenty dollar t-shirt. Jensen was probably wearing more money than some of these people had seen in the last five years and it made him feel guilty for being a little bit better off.

The lady at the front counter eyed him like he was a state worker coming to close them down and Jensen cleared his throat, awkwardly shifting from side to side. “Hi uh, I’m looking for someone named Jared?”

If she knew the name she wasn’t showing it on her face. She still glared at him even as she went to the sign-in book and flicked through the pages. “Conrad, Harris or Padalecki?”

“Uh,” Jensen rubbed at the back of his neck. Why hadn’t he ever thought to get a last name? “I’m not really sure. But he’s really tall? And, I think he might be a regular. He wears a trench coat a lot and he’s got a really big smile.” Jensen felt like an idiot listing off this wanna-be description of Jared and, judging from the next look he got from the lady, she thought the same.

“I might know who you’re talking about. Just stay right here.” The lady held a hand up toward Jensen and glared before turning and heading across the room. She shot him a couple of looks over her shoulder and Jensen wanted to lift his hands and yell _what_ because he hadn’t done anything but shop at the Buckle once or twice.

Jensen used the time alone to look around the homeless shelter and try to put himself into the mindset of someone living there. It was surprisingly clean; the wide open front hall welcoming with a bulletin board that was covered with sheets of information, and the front desk with a phone, computer, and the sign in book the lady had previously been reading from. He could see down the hall but not into any of the rooms so his mind supplied the image of a large room with bunk beds where everyone slept.

What must it be like to live in that kind of place? He couldn’t grasp that feeling, whether it would be hopelessness or fear or a new determination to push that much harder to get somewhere better.

When the lady returned Jared was following her and Jensen instantly straightened, unsure if the man would simply turn around and walk away. When Jared’s steps faltered, Jensen braced himself for that but the man slowly pushed forward, ducking his head down out of embarrassment that seemed to still be lingering even after a week.

“Hey,” Jensen said first when it became obvious that Jared wasn’t going to initiate the conversation.

“Hi.” Jared nodded and shoved his hands into the pockets of his trench coat. “I didn’t think you’d show up here.”

Yeah, Jensen hadn’t thought he would either. And here he was. “Well, it didn’t seem like you were planning on coming back to the shop.” Jensen shrugged. It was the best he could do to explain his actions. “I wanted to see you,” he forced the words out because he thought it might get Jared to smile at him again and maybe it was true, but he wasn’t willing to admit that just yet.

“I wanted to see you, too,” Jared whispered and when Jensen looked up the man was smiling just slightly. “I thought you would think I was stupid.”

“I wou-”

“Because I’m not,” Jared interrupted, his gaze snapping up to lock with Jensen’s. “I’m not stupid. It’s just words. There’s so many and there’s all these letters and I just- I get confused sometimes. I wanted to learn. I want to learn. Just, no one will teach me. Anyway, I’m not stupid. I know lots of things.”

There was that weird tightness in Jensen’s chest again and he nodded, wetting his lips slowly. “I don’t think you’re stupid,” Jensen said the moment he was sure Jared was done. “I never once thought that. It’s... god, okay. Look, it’s sad. It makes me feel bad for you I won’t lie. But I’ve got this feeling that it has very little to do with your smarts, more to do with your circumstances.”

Jared’s nod was quick and sharp, his smile growing slightly as if he were pleased with Jensen’s level of understanding. “It is. I grew up like... well, things just weren’t so good. Ever. For my family. And I never had the chance to learn more than basics with money and stuff.”

“So you can’t write either then?” Jensen glanced over at the lady and the sign in book, wondering if the woman had been playing him the whole time.

“I can write my name, I learned that. I get some of the letters, most of them really. It’s just, when you put them all together, I don’t know.” Jared shrugged, his cheeks bright again with a blush as he shuffled from foot to foot.

Jensen had never really felt the urge to donate his time to charity cases. Just like he had no desire to date anyone. And yet, somehow, Jared seemed to be breaking all of those parts of him. “So look, I think... maybe you just need someone to help you out? Maybe if someone worked with you on the words, you could learn.”

“Well yeah but classes like that cost money and I,” Jared waved around the homeless shelter, finishing the sentence with gesture alone.

“I’d do it,” Jensen muttered, looking up to find Jared just staring at him. He sighed and rolled his eyes to the side, lifting his shoulders in a shrug. “Just saying, I would. If you wanted some help. I could teach you.”

Jared gaped at him like a fish for long enough to make Jensen squirm uncomfortably under the intense stare. Then his mouth closed and he shook his head. “You don’t have to. It’s okay.”

“I know I don’t _have_ to. I don’t _have_ to do anything. I’m offering. If you want to learn, I can try teaching you. If you don’t want that then that’s fine too, no big deal.” Only it was. Because Jensen _wanted_ to help Jared and he couldn't figure out why but it didn’t seem to matter all that much.

The length of time that it was quiet made Jensen want to turn and leave. He didn’t put himself out there very often, even for something as casual as reading lessons and the idea of being turned down was really not something he could stand at the moment. So when Jared opened his mouth Jensen braced himself, ready to turn and flee the moment Jared said no.

“Yeah, okay,” Jared whispered, half stepping forward and hesitating. “You really will?”

“I really will.” Jensen nodded and slowly smiled at Jared, meeting his half step forward with a full one of his own. “When do you want to start?”

“Tomorrow night?” Jared seemed oddly shy and quiet and Jensen wanted to hate that he found it endearing and cute. He couldn’t though.

“Yeah. Tomorrow night sounds good. I could pick you up after work? Dinner at my place and reading lessons?” Jensen smothered a laugh at the way that sounded. Who would have thought that the guy he nightly dreamed about doing NC-17 things to would also be the guy he was teaching to read.

Maybe Jensen could kill two birds with one stone.

“At seven?” Jared asked again and Jensen refused to address how Jared knew when he got off of work on a Tuesday night.

“Yeah, seven. Shortly after. I just have one requirement.” Jensen grinned when Jared’s eyebrow rose. “Leave the knit cap at ho- here, okay?”

“Deal,” Jared nodded and grinned, closing the distance and gathering Jensen up in a hug. “I really can’t thank you enough.”

Jensen settled into the hug, laying his head for just a moment on Jared’s shoulder. “It’s all good.” And really, Jensen thought it would be. Until it wasn’t. But whatever, he was ignoring that for now.

  


“So, this is my place,” Jensen said as he pushed the door open of his apartment, adjusting the bag over his shoulder. He’d had the sense to clean up so at least Jared could think he was all put together.

It was mostly a lie - Jensen wasn’t really all together in the slightest - but Jared didn’t have to know that. And if things went like they usually did in his life, Jared would be long gone before he even got close enough to know it.

“I like it,” Jared said quietly, wiping his feet for too long on the welcome mat and looking around like Jensen’s one bedroom apartment was a room inside the royal palace or something.

Jensen realized after a moment that it probably would seem that way to somebody who lived in a shelter and likely didn’t have any space outside a bed and a drawer to call his own. “Yeah, it’s pretty good.” He nodded, not wanting to seem ungrateful considering the circumstances. “Come on in, you want something to drink?”

“Sure,” Jared muttered, sounding a little distracted which was likely because he’d taken an interest in exploring the open front room.

There wasn’t much to see. Only a couple of photos, an assortment of books and movies that Jared would likely gloss over considering he couldn’t really read any of the titles. Jensen pursed his lips at the thought and settled on grabbing a couple of sodas because there wouldn’t be much of a chance of learning anything if they were both drinking alcohol.

Stepping back into the room, Jensen held up both sodas and half smiled. “So I ordered pizza, should be here any minute. That’s my method of cooking.”

“I like pizza.” Jared grinned and reached out for his drink, nearly bouncing with the information. “I don’t eat it often.”

Jensen thought Jared should stop saying those things that made his chest feel all tight because it really wasn’t fair. Clearing his throat, he crossed to the couch and took a seat on the far end, patting the sofa beside him. “Alright, come here. I’ve got some things to get us started.”

As Jared walked over to him and sat on the couch Jensen slid the bag he’d been carrying onto his lap and opened it, pulling out several large stacks of thin books. He saw Jared’s eyes widen out of the corner of his eyes and he laughed softly. “Don’t worry, this is supposed to last us a while. Maybe you’re a faster learner than you know. I wanted us to be set for anything.”

Jared worried his lower lip under his teeth and nodded, reaching out for one book then pulling his hand back. “Can I...?”

“Yeah, yeah of course. These are yours. I mean, I’ll keep them here so it’s easier for you but they’re _your_ books.” Jensen’s smile took on a softer note and he had to admit that, despite the hard wall he’d built around himself, it felt kind of good to give something back to a person who seemed to have no problems giving and never receiving.

Jared’s mouth opened and closed a few time as his fingers slid over the smooth cover of Dr. Seuss’ _One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish._ “You don’t have to do that, do this,” Jared whispered and looked down, eyes wide and possibly tearing up.

Jensen reached out before he could change his mind and curled his fingers over the back of Jared’s neck. He dragged the man forward and brought their lips together, kissing him slow and gentle, sliding his tongue forward until Jared’s hand was gripping his thigh and he was pushing forward, trying to get closer.

The knock on the door had Jared pulling back slowly and for a moment their eyes met. Jensen wondered what was passing between them, it felt _huge_ which was unsettling in an oddly good way. There was another knock moments later and Jared slowly grinned. “You should probably get that.”

“Smart ass,” Jensen mumbled and stood, heading for the door. He used the time he spent paying for their pizza and thanking the pizza guy to get his body temperature back down. Just the slightest of kisses, hardly anything really, and Jensen felt more than he could recall feeling with countless lovers over the past few years.

When he finally returned to the living room Jared had the book open and was staring down at it, his fingers trailing over the letters. Jensen had a hunch that Jared was just a few steps from getting it, especially if he knew most of the letters already. Jensen was going to guide Jared along on the right path and Jared would be on his way.

Then he wouldn’t need Jensen anymore and he’d probably leave him shattered and broken in his departing wake but ... well. Here Jensen was. Taking the risk again when he’d sworn so often that he never would.

“Hope you like meat lover,” Jensen said as he nudged books out of the way to set the pizza box down on the table. “And no, that wasn’t meant to sound so perverted.”

“I didn’t take it that way.” Jared shot him a not-so-innocent look that kind of left Jensen reeling.

Whenever Jensen found himself thinking Jared was one thing - shy, reserved, quiet and gentle - he’d show just the hint of being something else - aware, sexual, dark, dirty. Jensen wasn’t sure how one person could honestly juggle so many different qualities.

“Right, well.” Jensen cleared his throat and flipped the lid open. “Eat as much as you’d like.”

Apparently Jared was quite content to do just that - even if Jensen had to nudge him along a couple of times. Jared polished off half of the pizza with ease and grinned when Jensen called him a garbage disposal. They didn’t talk much while they ate but that was alright, the silence they shared was comfortable in a way Jensen wasn’t familiar with but he enjoyed nonetheless.

Once they’d both had their fill, cleaned the grease from their fingers, and drained their sodas, they settled back on the couch once more. Jensen grabbed one of the very basic beginner books that featured one word on each page, a picture above each of them. Jared snorted when he opened the first hardback page and Jensen eyed him with a smirk.

“Dude, this will help. How do you think they teach kids to read? You gotta know what word belongs to items you already know. So you know that’s a dog. Now you know d-o-g spells dog. With that in mind you can figure out _how_ you get the word. Like the sounds d, o, and g make to make up the word dog. You know?” Jensen smiled slightly over at Jared, hoping he didn’t sound ridiculous in his logic.

Jared stared at him for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, okay.” He then proceeded to sound out each word in the book even though he knew what they were already.

Jensen’s real logic was that Jared could gain confidence by doing it this way. Sometimes that was really all it took. If Jared found himself able to read words that were there in the easiest book, he could build off that.

He made Jared go through the book a second time before handing him a different one. This one had a full sentence a page, even if it was something as simple as _See spot._ Jensen hesitated on how best to help Jared along when he got stuck on the first word but before he could decide Jared was sounding it out, grinning when he got the second word in half the time.

It took a lot longer to get through the Spot book. Jensen didn’t have to help him though, he was able to sound out nearly everything on his own and the proud smile he got on his face was so bright Jensen couldn’t help pulling him in for another kiss. Jensen tried not to think about how messed up it was to make out when there was a little kids book in Jared’s lap because kissing Jared was worth any slightly wrong feelings.

When Jared pulled back his tongue hovered along the kiss-swollen plump of Jensen’s lower lip and he moaned softly. “If that’s the reward I get for finishing a book then hand me another,” Jared whispered throatily, his hand slipping back through Jensen’s hair.

Jensen laughed softly and shook his head. “Just wait until you finish a whole book that reward is going to blow your mind.”

There was no answer from Jared for a long moment and Jensen wondered if he was reading the signs wrong - maybe Jared just liked kissing a lot - but then the man was holding out his hand and clearing his throat. “Book please.”

Jensen laughed louder and reached out to grab another book, just a little bit harder than the Spot book but still basic one sentence lines on each page. It took Jared twenty minutes to get through the first two pages. _This is Jane. Jane lives with her Mom, Dad, and baby brother Michael._

When he’d finished, Jensen cleared his throat and Jared looked up curiously. “Do you have family?” He’d been meaning to ask, about the family thing and Jared’s past that led to this moment of being homeless and in many ways, hopeless. But the time hadn’t seemed right before and apparently a fictional character named Jane helped.

“Everyone has a family,” Jared said softly, finger tracing the hard edge of the book page. “People don’t just magically appear.”

“No, they don’t.” Jensen agreed and tensed his shoulders. He got what Jared was feeling. After all, Jensen wasn’t one to just willingly offer information. However, if that was what it took to get information in return, Jensen would bend his rule. “My parents died, eight years ago. Things just haven’t quite felt the same without them.”

“Yeah? What happened? I mean, how did they die?” Jared turned slightly to him and his eyes were full of such concern and tenderness that Jensen couldn’t meet them head on without feeling like he was exploding from the inside out.

“Car crash. You hear about these things on the news, watch them on crime shows or something, but you never think it’ll happen to someone you know. And yet ...” Jensen trailed off and shrugged, picking at his jeans. “Well, it happened to me. Or, to my parents. What can you do?”

“Live life to the fullest so when they look down on you from Heaven they’ll be happy.” Jared said without hesitation and smiled softly over at Jensen, reaching out to take his hand and squeeze softly. “Your parents surely want you to be happy.”

Jensen knew his mouth was slightly open as he stared at Jared, trying to fit another piece of the puzzle into what he’d thought was a nearly complete image with all of Jared’s little quirks and statements. Apparently Jared was full of bits and pieces Jensen couldn’t begin to decode. “And your parents?” He asked again, squeezing Jared’s hand in return and hoping that would be enough to get the man to talk.

“My family,” Jared whispered and shook his head. “It’s complicated. My dad left a long time ago. My little brother passed away. My Mom, too, couple years ago. When you live like this it’s hard to keep going.”

“How long have you lived like this?” Jensen asked, almost scared to find out the truth.

Jared shifted in his faded, worn jeans and shrugged. He was tracing constantly over the edge of his book and he looked uncomfortable. Enough so that Jensen almost took the question back. But Jared clearing his throat caught his attention and he looked over slowly. “Long as I can remember. After my dad left, Mom just kind of ... stopped doing everything. Stopped going to work, and cooking, and cleaning. Eventually she got fired and we lost our home. We lived in the car for years, which wasn’t easy. Then ... after my brother died, we found a shelter. And I’ve been in one ever since. Kept trying to get on top of things but it’s hard to get a job when you can’t read.”

For a while Jensen didn’t know what to say. He felt horrible, thinking about Jared dealing with this life his entire existence. No child should have to deal with that kind of life, no adult should, Jensen very desperately wanted to scoop Jared up and keep him from his world. It wasn’t so easy though, Jensen knew. “Well, maybe I can help. I mean, I’ll help you learn to read then you’ll get a job and you can get a place to live and it would be great.”

“Will you still spend time with me?” Jared asked softly, once more tracing the edges of the book.

Jensen pursed his lips and nodded, nudging his shoulder against Jared. “Gonna bail once you can read?” Jensen asked and smiled over at Jared, hoping the man could realize he was joking.

With a slow tentative smile, Jared turned to him and leaned forward. This time he initiated the kiss and Jensen felt his stomach flip with appreciation. He wanted Jared to want him, of course, and knowing he felt at least some of that made Jensen warm all over. Jared leaned into the kiss and slowly pushed him down on to the cushion, shifting around to lie on top of him.

Jensen hadn’t expected that, he’d been prepared for some making out but the idea of Jared over him, pressing down on him, was almost too much. Especially since it seemed to heighten the man’s arousal and his hands were suddenly all over Jensen, sliding along his sides, slipping under his shirt at the bottom hem.

He had no idea what Jared’s motivation was, what suddenly had him all over Jensen, but he definitely wasn’t complaining about it. His lips parted under Jared’s questing tongue and his legs spread wider, one slipping off the edge of the couch and dropping hard to the floor as Jared’s body moved forward.

“Jared,” he gasped into the kiss, not because he wanted Jared to stop but because he wanted the man to know just how good he was feeling.

It had Jared pulling back from the kiss regardless, his eyes dark and wide as he stared down at Jensen. “I’ve never done this.”

Jensen swallowed thickly and wet his lips, chasing the taste of Jared lingering there. “Made out with someone on a couch?” He ventured quietly though he knew it wasn’t that, it was more than that, but he wasn’t quite ready to accept what that meant.

“Made out with someone.” Jared admitted with a half shrug, his hands pressing into the couch on either side of Jensen’s head. “Believe it or not but being homeless isn’t usually people’s kink.”

Jensen huffed a quiet laugh and, surprisingly, the idea wasn’t as scary as he’d originally thought it would be. Though how they would work - a person who _never_ did this and a person who’d never _done_ this - was a little too out there for Jensen to consider logically at the moment. “Don’t try and guess my kinks, you’ll never get it right,” he said with a soft grin before pushing up and capturing Jared’s lips against his own once more.

Knowing that Jared hadn’t done this before changed Jensen’s mindset. It was no longer _what comes next_ and Jensen was suddenly content to just have this, just kissing, for as long as Jared wanted. It freaked him out to feel that way but - like several other things - he shoved the more pressing thoughts aside.

He’d savor this for now, because he knew it wasn’t going to last. And, when the time came that he lost it all, then Jensen would remember this moment just to ease some of the pain.


	3. Chapter 3

When Jensen had built the walls around his heart, around himself, it had been slow and painful. Bit by bit the colors of the world seemed to dim, emotions faded, until he was callused and cut off. Like some animal kept in a cage for too long.

When Jared began to pick and break at those walls it was almost the same. Except now things were growing brighter and everything began to change.

It began with the little moments. The nights spent teaching Jared to read, mainly. When Jensen finally stopped forcing the smile off his face when Jared made it happen. Or when the nightmares stopped happening, when Jensen began sleeping through the night without waking up halfway through hating every part of himself.

It seeped steadily over into his daily life. Jensen found himself smiling while he was work, helping customers without scowling or rolling his eyes. Subtle little things he never noticed until after they’d happen then he’d force himself not to think about it because it was going to drive him insane.

Part of Jensen wanted to hate these changes. Part of him couldn’t wait for every change to take affect just so he could live in a way he hadn’t in so long.

“Jen? You kind of zoned out.” Jared laughed softly as he waved a hand in front of Jensen’s face, dropping his hand down to the book in his lap a moment later.

Jensen looked up and he smiled softly, lifting his shoulders in a shrug. “Sorry. Just got caught up in nowhere land. You ready to try the page out loud?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded and grinned at him before dipping his head down and letting his hair fall until it covered his face. He read like that almost always. Even though he’d strengthened over the weeks and was even reading first and second grade level material, Jared still kept a level of self consciousness that Jensen thought was maybe ingrained.

It could take Jared up to an hour or two to make his way through some of the upper level books but oddly enough, Jensen never got tired of it. Something about the soft, almost timid way he spoke, that blush he'd occasionally catch sight of, it made Jensen's heart flutter. Almost like he was falling for Jared.

But that couldn't be because, changing or not, Jensen wasn't prepared to handle something as strong as love just yet.

When Jared finished his book with only needing help a few times Jensen was beaming. "See? You're doing amazing. Before you know it you'll be reading books about vampires."

Jared’s brows rose questioningly. “Vampires?”

Jensen snorted and shrugged. “That’s all the young adult writers seem to write about nowadays. God only knows why. All hoping to be the next Stephanie Meyer.”

“Who?” Jared frowned in confusion and Jensen couldn’t help laughing.

“Oh god, your naivety is adorable.” Jensen reached out and ruffled Jared’s hair, smirking when the man tried to duck away.

“Shut up.” Jared laughed and reached out, smacking Jensen’s side then going in for a kill with tickling fingers.

Jensen laughed and tried to wiggle free from the touch, rolling off the couch and dragging Jared with him. The man fumbled over him a moment before straddling him, hands falling to rest on either side of Jensen’s head. They stared at each other for a long moment before Jared was dipping down and capturing Jensen’s lips in a rough kiss.

Kissing Jared was still something that marveled Jensen. Maybe because it was so wonderful, because Jared’s lips against his felt like nothing he’d ever experienced before. Or maybe it was more because three weeks in and Jensen still hadn’t tired of _just_ kissing. Sure he thought about more, he got himself off daydreaming to what it would be like to take the next step, to do _anything_ , but he really didn’t mind all that much.

Like everything else Jared did, Jensen had come to learn, the man threw himself completely into each and every kiss. It was like there was never enough for him, like he wanted every moment that Jensen was willing to give to him, and didn’t Jared know yet that Jensen was more than willing to give this and so much more?

Apparently not.

Their tongues tangled together and Jensen moaned when Jared’s fingers dug into his hair. Sometimes Jared would do something that made Jensen feel like he was losing his mind. Like now, digging his hands in Jensen’s hair, tilting his head back to get more room to explore. That coupled with the roll of Jared’s hips was enough to make him rethink his idea of being okay with waiting.

“Jen,” Jared moaned and kissed along Jensen’s jaw, moving over to his neck. And well, that was new. Neck kissing certainly hadn’t happened before.

Jensen slowly blinked his eyes open and stared up at the ceiling, his fingers gripping Jared’s shirt at the side. “God, Jared,” he couldn’t help rolling his hips up to meet Jared’s roll down and the friction was maddeningly good.

“Jen. I wanna,” Jared mumbled in that same quiet, shy, timid voice he used for reading.

It kind of made Jensen’s head spin a little. Because he was used to hearing innocent words in that tone and Jared’s current words were laced with nothing but suggestion. Jensen nodded his head because he didn’t think he could form words at the moment and well, he would gladly agree to absolutely anything Jared wanted to do besides leave.

Jared chuckled against his collarbone and pulled back slightly. “Don’t even know what I want yet.”

“Don’t care. I want it, too. Whatever you want.” Jensen wet his lips, rocking up against Jared once more. “ _Whatever_ you want.”

For a moment, Jared’s eyes got wide and darkened and then they were kissing again. Jensen was resolving to letting Jared do whatever the hell he wanted because if he pushed it he’d always felt guilty from then on out. Jensen really could live forever with the feel of Jared’s tongue against his because it never got old.

Then Jared’s hands were sliding down from his hair and questing over his shirt, slipping under to run along his skin and _Jesus Christ_ touch had never felt so good before. Jared should be outlawed as a poison dangerous to society or something. Because no one made Jensen feel this good, not so very fast, and Jensen was instantly wishing for those hands lower on his body because he knew it would be perfection in its barest forms.

He couldn’t get enough of Jared’s touch, the flicker of fingers over his nipples, the heavy pant against his lips. Jensen finally had to roll his lips away because he couldn’t breathe any longer. “Jesus, Jared, tryin’ to kill me?”

“I’d feel awful guilty about that,” Jared drawled out, his voice thick with some accent Jensen hadn’t ever heard before. “Can I touch you?

The question came out as a half moan against the edge of Jensen’s ear and his entire body flared and burned with _want_. Hell, he wasn’t going to last through Jared touching him, he was going to come the minute Jared began to pull at his waistband.

Thankfully, he didn’t.

Jared pulled the button open and dragged the zipper down and Jensen felt the wave of relief riding side by side with the sharp tendrils of desire. Despite his insistence that he wouldn’t touch first, Jensen wanted to be the one to shove his hand under Jared’s boxers. Not that it stopped him from enjoying the feel of Jared’s soft smooth fingers sliding over his cock.

When he blinked his eyes open Jared was staring down at him with a look of wide awe as if he couldn’t believe that he was really here, touching Jensen. And really maybe part of Jensen couldn’t believe it either. Because this was so very good and he’d barely felt anything yet.

In the next moment Jared was dropping down, capturing his lips again and his hand stroked fast and swift around Jensen, grip almost too tight but just the right side of perfect to have Jensen melting into the floor. But he wanted more. _So_ much more. And he couldn’t help pushing Jared back and rolling over him along the floor.

As his hands settled over Jared’s mid-section, the man’s hand caught his and Jensen looked up. Jared’s eyes were wide, darkened with lust, but there was an undercurrent of fear that had Jensen sucking in a sharp breath. “Not gonna rush things. Just want to feel you.”

It was a true sign of the trust Jared held for him because Jensen could see the fear melt away as simply as if Jensen had willed it. He swallowed thickly and slipped the button free, tugging the zipper down a moment later. The pressing bulge of Jared’s arousal instantly tented his boxers and Jensen wet his lips, his heart clenching tight in his chest as he inched closer and pulled Jared free from the cotton.

Their skin slid slick together in the next moment as Jensen pushed forward. The silky smooth heads bumped and smeared pre-come and the moan that fell from Jared was deep and long.

His lips parted in the softest of _ohs_ like he now understood what Jensen had been going for, and his hips rolled forward almost desperately.

Once more, their lips collided in a hard kiss and Jensen hooked an arm around Jared's middle to keep him close. It was all friction and mindless rocking together that was almost too much but definitely not enough.

Then all of a sudden Jared’s body was tensing and his release was spilling between them and Jensen moaned hard and desperate into the kiss. The feel of Jared’s come slicking the quick tight grip of Jensen’s hand over himself proved to be his downfall and Jensen tumbled after the man just as he began to sink back on the floor.

When he finally collapsed on Jared’s chest, his body felt light and his heart was racing. “Jesus,” he whispered, head resting on Jared’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Jared breathed some time later, his hand stroking softly through Jensen’s hair.

Jared’s body was warm and just the right sides of hard and soft beneath him and Jensen suddenly had no desire to send him away. “Jared?” He asked quietly, gently tucking Jared back into his jeans and pulling his pants up.

“Hmm?” Jared sounded half asleep, like he didn’t even care that they were on the floor and still in their clothes.

“Stay the night?” Jensen asked in a rush, his eyes fixed anywhere but on Jared because if he was about to be rejected he didn’t want to _see_ it.

It was quiet a beat too long - long enough to have Jensen preemptively sinking in sadness - before Jared finally answered. “Yeah, okay. I’d like that.”

Jensen slumped in relief and he found himself smiling. He could add wanting to sleep pressed against Jared’s body to the list of things he wouldn’t normally have longed for. And yet another thing he was okay with.

  


When they woke up Jared made him pancakes. Jensen had no idea how the man had learned to cook - pancakes of all things - but he was grateful for it when he took his first bite. They didn’t talk much but it was okay. Instead, they shared soft laughs and warm smiles and when their feet touched together under the table, Jensen found himself not even minding the ridiculous romantic feel.

Jensen had the day off and Jared had nowhere to be so they lounged around the apartment for most of the morning. To make sure they could at least say they’d done something productive Jensen insisted Jared work on another book as he sat at Jensen’s feet and the normality of it was almost enough to have Jensen yearning for more.

So he took Jared to lunch, not really giving the man a choice. Christmas was only a week away and everything was in full holiday shine, lights and trees and carols Jensen had never really cared for. Except, of course, when he was with Jared. The man’s eyes lit up, his smile wide as he sang along to Jingle Bells and clasped Jensen’s hand tight.

After that, it was kind of hard not to be in the Christmas spirit. And as soon as Jared realized that Jensen was warming up to the idea he jumped on it and somehow talked Jensen into buying an assortment of decorations because he’d been complaining about Jensen’s missing Christmas spirit for weeks. His only rule was enforcing Jared to come back to his place and help decorate and when Jared seemed only eager to comply, Jensen let him pick as many things as he wanted.

Maybe it was just a natural thing, Jared staying another night. It was late by the time they finished decorating and Jensen set about distracting Jared with soft lips and seeking hands until they tumbled together in bed. Then he showed Jared that their bodies sliding together without clothing was so much better.

After that it was easy to convince Jared to stay. And if Jensen could only do that every day he would be okay with that, keeping Jared around was somehow easier than letting him go. It was best not to dwell too much on it.

  


During the week before Christmas Jensen had to work every day, nearly twelve hour shifts. The crowd was insane but it wasn’t the first season he’d worked at the bookstore so he knew mostly what to expect. Sometimes he’d look over his shoulder and find Jared standing just outside the children’s book section, trying not to make it obvious that he wasn’t sure what book to pick out.

Whenever that happened his heart would get tight and clenchy in the way it had back when he was just learning the man. So Jensen found himself turning into the stereotype of every male out there and using his too brief lunch break over the last few days of the holiday shopping year to buy presents for Jared. No, he wasn’t willing to admit that he might be a little head over heels.

On Christmas Eve the man was waiting for him when he got off work. Jensen grinned upon seeing him and stepped close, leaning up to kiss him automatically. He knew that he got weird looks from his co-workers whenever they saw him with Jared but he’d usually just scowl and flip them off and that would keep them from asking questions.

“Stay with me tonight,” Jensen insisted, sliding his hand down to capture Jared’s and leading him to his car. “I’ll read you _Twas the Night Before Christmas_ and we can make cookies for Santa. It’ll be a blast.” He grinned and bumped his side into Jared’s, swinging his arm out before them.

“I don’t know,” Jared whispered and the words wavered uncertainly, bringing Jensen up to a short stop.

“What do you mean?” He refused to allow the sinking in his gut. Jensen was notorious for reacting too swiftly to things. There was logic behind this, he knew it. “Jared? What’s the matter?”

Jared flushed and looked down at his feet, shuffling softly along the sidewalk. “I just...” He trailed off in a sigh and closed his eyes, rubbing at them with his free hand.

It took Jensen a minute to realize he was upset, he was fighting tears, and he lost the battle on that sinking feeling. It was too soon for this to be happening, right? Jensen had thought they would last longer, that maybe it would be different this time. “Jared? What happened? You’re freaking me out man.”

“I don’t have a gift for you,” Jared blurted out a moment later, his hand dropping as he fixed red tear blurred eyes on Jensen.

The relief was so intense, Jensen had thought the ground was about to tear open and suck him down after all, that he couldn’t help laughing. Jared looked less than pleased and he’d turned, started walking in the opposite direction when Jensen finally managed a breath. “Jared. Wait, come on Jared. It was just-” Hurrying forward, Jensen grabbed the man’s arm and spun him. “Dude. Not cool.”

“Yeah neither is laughing at me.” Jared tried to scowl but on him it came out looking more like a frown and a kicked puppy impression.

Jensen’s expression softened and he rubbed his hand along Jared’s arm. “I wasn’t laughing at you. I was relieved Jared. I thought you were about to break up with me or something.”

Jared’s face blanched with disbelief. “On Christmas Eve? Oh my god that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard of. Why in the world would I do that?”

A fond smile crossed Jensen’s face and yeah, Jared was right for sounding so shocked. He couldn’t believe he thought Jared would actually do something like that. “You wouldn’t,” Jensen murmured and curled his fingers over Jared’s arms, stepping in close. “Jared, I don’t need a gift from you. I-”

“Do you have gifts for me?” Jared interrupted him, his lips turning down in a deep frown.

Jensen’s lips pursed and he blew out the rest of his sentence in a low breath. “Jared,” Jensen sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Come on, don’t tell me I have to give you the whole, Christmas is about giving speech.”

Groaning, Jared shook his head and dipped down so their foreheads bumped together. “You gonna give me the gifts even if I don’t come over tonight?”

“Even if you were to break up with me,” Jensen murmured, hands curving over Jared’s neck. They swayed gently from side to side and Jensen hummed softly - and _no_ , it wasn’t a Christmas carol. “So will you come home with me?”

Jared sighed like Jensen was doing him a major inconvenience but Jensen could feel the heat from his smile. “Yeah, I suppose so.”

“You know, I know something you can give me.” He purposefully lowered his voice, tilting his chin up to brush their lips together.

Chuckling into the kiss, Jared’s arm slid around Jensen’s middle until they were both gently swaying, a weird sort of private dance in the back alley behind the closed bookstore. “Oh do you now?”

It was fairly certain from the amusement in Jared’s voice that he knew what Jensen was saying. Or at least what he thought Jensen was saying. “You can cook me dinner.” With that, he pulled away and turned, heading down the alley with a cackle that turned to a squeal several moments later when Jared half jumped onto his back.

“To McDonalds!” He called out and laughed as well and Jensen thought, presents or not, it was going to be the best Christmas he’d had in a long time.

  


They didn’t go to McDonalds, only because Jared insisted he was joking and would like nothing more than to cook dinner for Jensen. Instead they went to the grocery store and it was more of an adventure than Jensen could ever remember having at Walmart. Once given free reign, Jared bought just about every item he could think of. He insisted he’d be cooking enough at Jensen’s house in the future that it was a smart investment.

Jensen marveled at how oddly domestic it felt to put away groceries with Jared. The man already knew where everything belonged and he even went so far as to pull leftovers from the fridge and clean them out. Jensen did dishes and tried to stay out of Jared’s way as he cooked but they simply danced around each other anyway, comfortable in the pre-Christmas silence.

Jared made chicken and rice and they ate at the dinner table, their legs hooked together under the wooden surface. To show his appreciation, Jensen didn’t bother holding back his moans of delicious pleasure and Jared simply grinned at him.

Just around the time Jensen began to consider whether he could really have this every day, if he could invite Jared to live with him and go from there, the man finished eating. He cleared their dishes and smacked Jensen’s hand whenever he got close to helping and yeah, as Jensen laughed he decided that yes, he could _definitely_ get used to them always being together.

“You wanna open a present?” Jensen asked as they settled onto the couch. He laughed when Jared turned to him with wide eyes. “You’re gonna be like an excited little kid aren’t you?”

“Possibly,” Jared clapped his hands cheerfully, apparently over the worry that he didn’t have gifts for Jensen. “So can I really open a present now?”

Jensen snorted and dipped his head in a nod. “Yeah, you really can. Go pick one out.” Jensen pointed to the decent size stack of presents under the tree. When Jared didn’t automatically go rushing forward Jensen’s smile dimmed slightly. “What’s wrong?”

“All of those are for me?” Jared’s face scrunched up slightly and he looked over at Jensen. “None of those are for you?”

It was just an innocent question; Jared had asked dozens - hundreds - of them before. This one came with a sting that flared through Jensen and he inhaled slowly, shaking his head. “No,” he whispered, hoping it didn’t sound as strangled as it felt. “None are for me.”

Jared swallowed so thickly Jensen could hear it and he looked over at the man, blinking a few times to clear the blur that had started behind his eyes. “Jensen?” Jared whispered, reaching out to touch his arm.

There was an unspoken question hanging in the air, the truth Jared wanted to know and Jensen desperately hid from. Especially now, when he was so much more open, so much more vulnerable. It was almost as if he’d tore down the wall enough to climb free but built it back up around his heart to keep everything else secret and safe. “I can’t do this,” Jensen nearly gasped the words and he could feel it bubbling up, forming on his tongue.

He was simply going to explode, these long buried truths that brought a veil of grey over everything he saw, stole the salt from his food and the sugar from chocolate. Jensen had never, and would never, be ready to share all of this but Jared’s hand settled on his arm, slid up to his shoulder, and he whispered Jensen’s name as if he were saying, _it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me, but I’m here for when you can’t resist it any longer._

“I fell in love when I was eighteen. It was hard and fast and I gave up everything to be with him.” Jensen stared at the tree with the flashing lights and tried not to let himself get sucked up into the memory of how things used to be. “He was older, thirty or so, and he was so mature and handsome and I thought it was what I wanted. I thought I was going to be with him forever.”

Jared’s hand slid down to the middle of his back, rubbing soothing circles. He didn’t speak and Jensen was relieved because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep going if Jared asked him to. It had to be his own choice, he had to face the past on his own terms. No matter how painful that might be.

“We met before I graduated high school so we kept things secret, did a lot of sneaking around. But the moment I was no longer a high school student he wanted us to be public. He took me around everywhere, said I was his, and he started to control everything. I don’t even remember how I came to be living at his house but it just kind of happened, and my parents weren’t happy.”

Sucking in a slow breath, Jensen dropped his gaze to his lap and fidgeted with the knee of his jeans. “By the time I turned nineteen I wasn’t even sure how much of me was left. He controlled absolutely everything. When I ate, what I ate, when I went to the bathroom, what I wore. I think he would control when I breathed if such a thing was possible.”

“Jesus,” Jared sucked in a quiet breath and his hand stilled on Jensen’s back. “How long were you with him?”

“Years.” Jensen blinked rapidly for a few minutes but his vision didn’t seem to clear, like he was stuck in that place and he couldn’t escape. And it was terrifying to think it might happen again. “It got worse. But I didn’t know, or it was like I couldn’t know. He tricked me. I thought it was normal, I thought that life was okay. And when things got really bad it was like I was under some spell and I didn’t even know.”

It was quiet for a few long minutes until Jared cleared his throat. “Can I ... will you tell me? What happened that made it bad?”

Jensen sighed and finally turned his absent gaze away from the Christmas tree, looking over at Jared with wide eyes. He wasn’t sure he was ready to tell Jared how everything had escalated. What would the man do if he knew just how broken Jensen was? “He was very controlling but those first few years he didn’t hurt me. Not physically. I guess I didn’t realize how someone could hurt me mentally.”

“They can,” Jared agreed softly, maybe with a level of understanding. Maybe he’d already figured it out, that there was something wrong with Jensen that went deeper than his callused shell. “So you stayed with him?”

“I did,” Jensen agreed, dropping his eyes and flushing with shame. He didn’t want to feel ashamed for the choices he’d once made but now, years later, he could see just how bad it had been. “Everything changed when my parents died. It was a little after my twenty first birthday. We were getting together for dinner, my parents were coming over. I remember cooking all day, and cleaning, then pleasuring Andrew-” Jensen cut off sharply at the name, his eyes widening.

It was odd how one name could feel so _important_. Jensen never said it, hardly ever thought about it, and now it was hanging between them like a painful weight. He sucked in a hard breath and his mind spun, his heart lurched. Then Jared gently scratched along the back of his neck and brought him back to reality. Jensen looked over at him with a tight smile, nodded, and forced himself to continue.

“So. After all that, they came over for dinner. My parents never liked him. I knew it, they would tell me all the time. You know, that I needed to get away, that I could come and live with them again. I think they were scared for me but I just ... it was like I was under a spell. I couldn’t hear them, I didn’t believe them. And then, on the drive home, they got into an accident and I never saw them again.”

Jensen sucked in a sharp breath and he’d never realized how painful it would be to tell this story until the words were tumbling from his lips. “Everything changed so fast. My parents were all I had and once they were gone, I was alone and he- Andrew- he was just able to do whatever he wanted. He’d already cut off all my friendships, he’d secluded me and I hadn’t even noticed. And then, it just got really bad.”

He fell into silence for a long time and Jared simply continued to gently rub along his back, he didn’t try and push more from Jensen and he was thankful for that. Because he wasn’t sure he could force it out. If it came, he’d be relieved. If it didn’t, well, it would just go back to that little vault where he kept all of his secrets.

When he did speak again, it was in a quiet whispering rush, the words tumbling out of his mouth against all of his control. “The first time he hit me was after my parent’s funeral. I wanted to go by their house, sort through some of their things, and he just lost it. I don’t even know why. Just one second I was turning and the next his fist was connecting hard with my eye.”

Jared sucked in a sharp breath and his hand tightened over Jensen’s shoulder. “Jen...”

“I can’t explain what it’s like to be in that place. It seems so simple, when you’re outside of it, to just say something like why didn’t you leave? But it’s not like that. It’s not that easy. Every time he hit me, every time he beat me down, I kept losing bits and pieces of myself. Then I was just stuck. He used to tie me up to the bed and just, use me, in every way you could imagine. And I’d lay there bleeding and crying and naked sometimes for days. After a while I didn’t even know who I was anymore.”

Arms suddenly wrapped tight around Jensen, holding him close and squeezing him hard. Jensen stiffened for a moment, blinking a few times in surprise. “Oh Jensen,” Jared whispered, burying his head in Jensen’s neck. “God, how could someone hurt you like that? How could anyone hurt someone so beautiful and amazing?”

Jensen choked on a harsh laugh, shaking his head and pulling back from Jared’s grasp. “You’re crazy. I am _not_ beautiful. I am nothing. I am cold, and harsh, and bitter. You keep- you see me like you want to see me. You think I’m something amazing and I’m not Jared, I never have been.”

“That’s not true,” Jared murmured and shook his head as well, fingers pressing along Jensen’s jaw. “I know you think you’re nothing. I know you think you hate the world and everyone in it. But I know that’s not true. You wanna know how I do?”

Jensen continued to stare at Jared in disbelief. This was too much. Here was this guy, this amazing man who had a shit life handed to him and still somehow managed to smile, somehow managed to be selfless. Jensen had seen him give the last of his meal away to a kid even though they both knew the next meal might be days away. Jensen didn’t deserve to be in the same room as him. “How do you know?” He whispered, turning his gaze away.

“Because you do this with me. You’ve taught me to read Jensen. Do you know how many people wouldn’t even bother with that? Do you know how many times I’ve been written off because I wasn’t able to read? Because I sometimes smell and I don’t have a home to live in? Everyone sees me and judges me and you didn’t, you helped me.”

“I judged you.” Jensen frowned, looking back up at Jared again. “Every time I saw you I judged you. I did think you smelled. I wrote you off just like they did.”

“Not forever though,” Jared whispered and leaned forward, capturing Jensen’s lips in a soft kiss. “Just believe me on this one. You are nowhere near as awful as you seem to think you are.”

Sighing, Jensen couldn’t help slumping against Jared, like the story and his truths lying exposed between them had left him raw and vulnerable. “It’s been six years since I finally got away and I still don’t feel like I’m a human. I feel like some type of beast. I don’t even know how I handle walking past people sometimes. I feel like I want to just snap at them all, to shove everyone away and make them see how _horrible_ this world is.”

As Jensen finished, his voice trailing off as he turned and caught Jared’s wide eyes. “Is that ... do you really think that about the world? That it’s horrible?”

Something sank in Jensen’s chest, a horrible churning feeling that suggested maybe everything was about to change. It was the careful balance of their semi-relationship and it was falling apart. Jensen had been waiting for this moment but he hadn’t expected it now. Not when Christmas was just around the corner, not when Jensen had thought he was finally going to have a reason to celebrate the holiday.

It had been so long since Jensen had smiled on Christmas.

But he wouldn’t lie to Jared, not now. There was no point to that. “Yes. I really do. There are, I guess, good moments. And maybe it’s not always horrible, but most of the time, it is. Think about it. When was the last time you met a couple that stayed together? How many kids are having kids? How many people are killed by other people for no reason whatsoever? There is nothing beautiful about this world.”

Jared detached himself completely, laying his hands in his lap. Everything in Jensen sank and shattered in something close to heartbreak. He’d sealed his own fate by being honest and now that Jared knew just what kind of man he was, Jensen knew it was all over. “Jensen,” Jared said quietly, hand fluttering over his mouth then dropping down onto his thigh. “How can you think that way? How can you dismiss everyone like that?”

Jensen wanted desperately to hide behind the walls he’d constructed around his heart. He wanted to stop this conversation because it was going to ruin everything he had clung to without realizing these last few weeks. But Jared wanted an answer and the words were falling from Jensen’s lips before he could help it. “Because I’ve seen the worst it can get. And I know there’s hundreds of stages between this and that but it’s never perfect. People don’t get their happily ever after Jared, it doesn’t happen.”

What Jensen expected was a slap in the face, maybe a fist to the nose, maybe Jared standing and leaving and never coming back. What he got, most suddenly, was Jared crawling up onto his lap and Jared’s lips slamming hard against his. Fingers tangled in his hair, their bodies crushed together as the man thrust his tongue hard forward into Jensen’s mouth.

Jensen fell into the kiss because it was much easier than considering the conversation they’d been struggling through. If it meant having this, having Jared in his lap, then he would gladly take it.

When he pulled back from the kiss to suck in a greedy breath, Jared slid of his lap and Jensen’s heart sank again. Instead of saying this wasn’t going to work though, like Jensen expected, Jared reached out and grabbed his hand, tugging him up off the couch and dragging him down the hall to the bedroom.

Jensen kept thinking of things to say, questions to ask, but Jared had other things in mind apparently. His hands snapped out and tugged sharply at Jensen’s clothing. He’d never felt this level of desperation from the man. Sure, their relationship had intensified, things were hotter and brighter between them sexually, but it had never been on this level.

They were naked before Jensen could really process what was happening. Then Jared was dipping down and catching Jensen’s lips against his own again. He kissed just as roughly as he had on the couch, their bodies sliding together and Jensen moaned into his lover’s mouth at the first rub of skin on skin.

The world tilted to the side a moment later as Jared pushed them back onto the bed, rolling them so Jensen was on top of Jared. He was breathless as Jared pulled from the kiss, his legs on either side of Jared, their cocks rubbing together as Jensen straightened up to stare down at him. “What-”

“I want you,” Jared murmured, cutting Jensen off and dragging his tongue slowly over his lips. “I want to feel you in me.”

Jensen moaned at the words and instinctively rolled his hips forward. “Fuck. You are not real.”

Jared laughed shakily, arching up into Jensen’s body and trailing off in a low moan. “Totally real. Please, Jensen, please.”

Begging. Jensen never did well resisting Jared’s pleas for anything. Especially this. Which was what he wanted just as badly. He didn’t understand why it was now, why Jared even wanted him after learning how Jensen truly felt about things, but he wasn’t going to question it. Instead, he nodded quickly and climbed up the bed, reaching out to the nightstand to grab a bottle of lube and a condom.

Jared’s lips brushed along his abs, his hands running over Jensen’s sides teasingly, and as Jensen moved back, Jared’s teeth caught on his nipple and pulled out. Jensen groaned and nearly fell on the man, eyes closing as he held himself up on shaky arms. “Fuck, Jared,” he growled low in his throat and inched back until Jared released him and he could slide down between the man’s spreading legs.

“I’m going to show you,” Jared murmured and pulled his legs up, giving Jensen room to work without being asked. “Gonna show you the world’s not all so bad.”

Jensen looked up and stared into Jared’s darkening hazel eyes. There was a delicious flush on Jared’s cheeks, his lips swollen and kiss plump and his body rocked up into thin air like the thick curls of desire were too strong to be ignored. Jared had a point. The world couldn’t be all that horrible if it included moments like these, so full of heat and passion and _want_ it was impossible to write off as nothing.

Instead of answering, Jensen slicked his fingers with lube and worked one forward, gently circling around Jared’s hole and teasing his way forward. He didn’t know if the man had felt this before, if he’d touched himself since Jensen and he had begun fooling around, so he continued to inch forward with careful little circles just to keep those soft and pleasure filled moans falling from Jared’s lips.

Falling down to his elbows, Jensen stretched up so he could capture Jared’s lips. Their tongues tangled slow and deep as Jensen stretched him. Jared was burning and tight around his fingers, tighter than anyone Jensen had ever had and it was easy to not think about his haunting past and the fresh wounds that lingered from speaking of it.

“Enough,” Jared gasped into the kiss and pulled back, fingers pressing against Jensen’s shoulder. “You, Jensen, I want you. I’ve waited...”

Jensen once more stared down into Jared’s eyes, now so dark he could barely see the ring of green. It felt like there was more to this then Jensen knew, like Jared was saying something that he was missing. Jensen chose not to dwell on it now though. So many things in his life were easier if he ignored them, it might not have been the best way to view the world but fuck if he cared at the moment though.

Pulling his fingers back, Jensen fumbled with the foil around the condom, quickly sliding it over himself and slicking the latex. Jared was already holding his legs up, sucking in deep breaths and he looked so debauched spread open like that before Jensen that it was making him a little dizzy.

“Jen,” Jared whimpered - fucking _whimpered_ \- and bit down hard on his lip, spreading his legs impossibly wider.

Moaning, Jensen crawled forward and lined himself up. Just before he was pressing forward he had to remind himself that Jared had never done this before, just so he didn’t slam in hard and claim him the way he wanted. Instead, he inched forward, one glorious little movement at a time until Jensen was gasping with each breath and Jared seemed to be holding his breath entirely.

As he bottomed out Jared exhaled and Jensen bit down hard enough on his lip it ached beneath his teeth. It was so tight around his cock it was almost painful and Jensen hadn’t ever been with a virgin before, he hadn’t realized it could be so ... intense. He felt weirdly like they were connected, like this was worlds more than anything else he’d ever felt before.

It was terrifying, really, and Jensen wasn’t sure he could handle any more. Part of him wanted to pull back and run away, Jared was too much, what Jensen was feeling was _too much_. Then Jared’s hand was wrapping around the back of his neck and dragging him down and their lips were meeting again.

Those thoughts faded from Jensen’s mind as quick as they had come and Jensen’s hips drew back and rocked forward, pulling a rough and low kiss from Jared. The man’s legs wrapped around his waist, keeping him buried deep inside, and Jensen almost didn’t care if he never moved again because this was what he’d been hoping - and scared - to find since everything began with Jared. This feeling.

“Move,” Jared gasped as he jerked back from the kiss and his legs fell to the side, giving Jensen the room to do just that.

And he did, pulling all the way out and slamming hard back in. Jared’s hips arched up against him, meeting each thrust with his own rock back and moaning so low and deep it made his chest shake. His fingers curled and nails dragged down Jensen’s back, scraping over his back and up into his hair. Jensen moaned and picked up speed, loving the way it felt as if Jared was falling apart under him.

Jensen’s pace slowed as he realized that this was Jared’s first time and that the man was close, this would be over too soon. He wanted Jared to savor this, to look back at it and feel only love and adoration. Jensen couldn’t think about his first time without feeling a little sick to his stomach.

“God, Jen,” Jared gasped and arched in a delicious arc off the mattress, his body rolling hard against Jensen’s. “More, fuck, _please_.”

After that Jensen couldn’t hold back, Jared’s first time or not he needed to drive hard and fast into his lover because he was going to lose his mind. He shoved a hand between them and curled a fist around Jared, stroking hard and twisting as his hips snapped forward. After one particularly deep thrust, Jared nearly screamed and twisted back, Jensen hitting his prostate and sending him tumbling over the edge.

The already tight muscles sealed vice tight around him and Jensen hissed, head dropping to hang between his shoulders as he thrust through his own sudden and intensely blinding orgasm. Minutes later, he collapsed down onto Jared, sucking in rough, thick breaths that were laced with the musky, salt filled scent of Jared.

They were quiet for a long time afterward. Jensen slowly pulled from Jared and rolled off the bed, padding silently to the bathroom to deposit the condom and get a rag. He cleaned the cooling come off Jared’s middle and tugged the blanket down, slipping in beside Jared and sliding up against his side.

As his arm draped over Jared’s middle, the man hummed softly and inched closer. “Thank you,” he finally murmured, his voice sleepy and hoarse.

Jensen chuckled, fingers half tickling along Jared’s side. “Whatcha thankin’ me for?” He’d never been thanked for sex before but it was so _Jared_ , Jensen was fondly amused.

“I wanted that. Wanted my first time with you. Before...” Jared trailed off with a softly strangled sound and twisted around until he could bury his head in Jensen’s neck.

That unpleasant sinking feeling returned to the middle of his chest and Jensen sighed, not certain he wanted to press things and go down this path again. Of course, he was too curious to resist. “Before?”

Jared sighed, the air released warm and thick against Jensen’s neck. It sent tingles down his spine and Jensen clung to that in case things got out of control. At least he’d have that pleasant something to hold on to for a while. “If you see the world like you said out there on the couch, if you really think everything is horrible, then it’s only a matter of time until you realize I’m horrible, too.”

Sucking in a quick breath, Jensen’s arms tightened around Jared and he shook his head quickly. “No. No Jared, I won’t. You ... you’re different. I don’t know why. You’ve always been the exception.”

“Except I am,” Jared whispered, sounding more meek and timid than Jensen had ever heard before. “I have no home, no real income, can barely read and write. I don’t have a job, I’m only clean when I see you because I know how to sneak into the rec center and shower. Why would anyone want that?”

Something in Jensen’s chest pinched and he closed his eyes, breathing through the sting. He wished he could take back his words from before, wished he believed it enough to genuinely protest. When it came to Jared though, Jensen found it hard to call him horrible in any way. “Jared, I don’t care about those things. I know that I said I judged you in the beginning and I won’t lie about that but I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel like you do. It’s scary and I don’t know sometimes if I can handle it but that doesn’t make me stop wanting you. Okay?”

The silence that followed was long enough to worry Jensen. What if that wasn’t enough to make Jared feel this was worth it? How wrecked would Jensen be if Jared ended things? Jensen should never have let himself get so attached. It was a lesson he was sure he had learned already.

Then Jared sighed and cleared his throat. “Okay,” he whispered, the air catching audibly between them and Jensen braced himself for more. Then Jared was breathing normal again. “Okay,” he repeated with a little more force and tightened his arms around Jensen.

So things were okay for the moment and really, that was all Jensen could hope for.

  


When Jensen woke to an empty bed his heart lurched so violently he was instantly sitting up, legs falling off the side of the mattress as his head whipped around from side to side. Something clattered out in the kitchen and he shoved up, his feet stepping quickly in a pair of sweats and heading out through the living room. Jared was at the stove, spatula pushing through eggs on the frying pan.

Jensen slumped against the wall in relief, blowing out a low breath. “Don’t _do_ that.”

Jared jumped and turned to him, hand slapping hard against the apron covering his chest. “Jesus, Jensen, way to scare the crap out of me.”

Sighing, Jensen shook his head and pushed off the wall to cross to Jared. “Well, you shouldn’t do that”

Once more Jared turned to scrap his spatula through the egg mixture and shook his head. “Do what? Make eggs?”

Jensen slid his arms around Jared’s waist and laid his cheek on the man’s shoulder blade. “Shouldn’t get out of bed before me. I thought you’d gone.” Jensen sighed softly and closed his eyes, tightening his arms like a vice around Jared, and the man wasn’t going to escape even if he wanted to.

“Jen,” Jared whispered and struggled to turn in his grasp, finally getting them chest to chest. His hands came up and curved over either side of Jensen’s face, thumbs sliding over his cheekbones. “I’m here, aren’t I? I’m not going anywhere.”

God, Jensen wanted to believe that, he really wished he could. “Everyone goes somewhere Jared, you can’t always control it.”

“When you offered to teach me to read, I thought you’d fix me. But it’s kind of turning out that I have to fix you.” Jared’s voice was soft and careful, as if he expected Jensen to shove him away angrily at the words. When Jensen looked back up Jared was still watching him with wide hazel eyes. “I want to fix you. Will you let me?”

Let him? How was he supposed to let someone fix him? How could he even _be_ fixed? Sure things were a little lighter now, it was easier to smile, but that was a lot of surface stuff and Jensen knew beneath the surface he was still as fucked up as he’d ever been. Would Jared be able to fix him? Jensen wasn’t sure it was possible. “And what do I give you in return?” He asked with just the hint of an edge, a sharp mocking roll of the words as he fixed Jared with a stare.

Jared’s smile was soft and understanding and it occurred to Jensen after a moment that the man wasn’t going to rise to his bait. “Well, if I do my job right, by the end of this you’ll love me.”

Jensen’s heart skipped a beat and he stared wide eyed up at Jared then nodded. “Alright, you can try.” Try as in, he didn’t really believe that Jared could succeed but that was okay, he’d keep it to himself and Jared could just go on thinking he could. “Presents?” He suggested, ready to put the subject of his personal repair behind them.

Laughing, Jared gently kissed his temple and turned back to the stove. “Breakfast then presents.”

“You know, for someone who never gets any Christmas presents, you’re sure not that excited about them.” Jensen frowned, the words coming out sounding a lot more harsh than he’d intended. “Jay...”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Jared twisted around to look over his shoulder at Jensen with a soft smile. “I’m not in some sort of denial about who I am or the life I live. Trust me, I go there every day. So just being here with you, in a home where it’s warm and I have someone to touch and show me affection? That’s present enough.”

The words shook Jensen to his core and he stepped quickly forward, tugging Jared in and kissing him deeply. Their foreheads fell together as he broke from the kiss and Jensen breathed in the man’s rich, warm scent. “God, Jared.”

Jared laughed shakily and squeezed his hip. “Doesn’t mean I won’t take the gifts though.”

Jensen snorted and smacked Jared’s ass. “Yeah, thought so.”

The irony of Jared fixing him, when Jared’s own life was really the one needing fixing, was not lost on Jensen. He didn’t really believe the man could fix him but maybe he could fix Jared instead. At least then, when everything fell apart Jensen would be left knowing Jared wasn’t going to be that bad off.

  


Jared’s gaze drifted from his new stack of books, his clean pile of still store crisp clothes, and the second stack of books designed to help Jared with his penmanship skills. There wasn’t really anything that personal but Jensen knew Jared understood. He still had to go back to the shelter and he couldn’t take anything there that could make money if someone stole it and resold it.

Still, Jensen made a promise to get Jared a nice watch or something, the day he moved out of the shelter.

Watching the man watching his gifts now, Jensen felt a little guilty that they were all so... plain. “I should have gotten you a necklace or something,” Jensen said quietly, picking at the skin around a fingernail. “I’m sorry. I can take them back.”

When Jared looked sharply up at him with wide eyes that were shining with tears, Jensen sucked in a sharp breath. “Oh shit Jay, I’m sorry. I thought-”

“Shut up you idiot,” Jared said through a sniffle and lunged forward, tackling Jensen in a hug that had them both toppling over backward onto the carpet. He kissed along Jensen’s face, over his cheeks and temple and lips, causing Jensen to laugh and squirm under him.

“Weirdest thank you ever,” Jensen muttered, still half laughing and squirming under the heavy weight of the man over him. When Jared finally pushed his hands down on the carpet and lifted off Jensen, staring down at him with a soft smile, Jensen’s doubts came crawling back. “Do you like them?”

“Of course I like them. Jensen, I _never_ get gifts. It just kind of shocked me is all.” Jared sighed almost wistfully and dipped down to gently kiss him once more. “It’s more than I deserve.”

“Hardly,” Jensen murmured and arched up into the kiss, arms wrapping around Jared’s shoulders. “You deserve a lot more.”

“Sure,” Jared whispered and lowered his body to roll slowly along Jensen’s. “However can I thank you?”

Jensen moaned softly and ran his hands down Jared’s back, tucking under the top of the man’s sweats and running along his ass. “M’sure you can come up with a few things.”


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen didn’t see Jared for a few days after Christmas, for no particular reason other than the fact that he had to work every single day from nearly open to well past closing. The after Christmas rush always seemed worse than the days before the holiday for some reason and Jensen was barely managing to stay conscious long enough to get home, let alone see Jared. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. Because he did. Of course he did.

Which in no way explained the way his mind skittered over thoughts as he lay near exhaustion in bed at night. Jared knew everything about him now. He knew how broken Jensen once upon a time had been. He knew what was behind those walls and - when the day came that he left - Jensen would be left in the wake as if Jared shattered him to pieces and threw him up into the wind to be left scattered and broken.

Jensen wasn’t really prepared to give Jared all of him. But it was too late. He already had. And maybe he’d even given part of himself that Jensen had long thought dead. Love, affection, the desire to spend every single moment with the man and the terrifying knowledge that it would never last.

Sometimes Jensen thought it would be easier just to end things himself. At least then he’d be in control of things, he’d have the last say. But what would it matter? Jared already _knew_ him. Jared had his heart and whether Jensen sent him away or he left himself, he would still be taking Jensen’s heart and tearing him apart.

All of his thoughts aside, Jensen really was just busy, so he missed Jared but he didn’t have the time to think about it.

Jensen wondered though, why Jared hadn’t come around to see him. It wasn’t like the man didn’t know where he was. Jensen got a little tight chested panicky when he thought about it so he didn’t. Hiding behind walls and denial was so much easier sometimes.

But when New Year’s Eve rolled around and Jensen still hadn’t seen Jared - a full week since Christmas - he decided something had to be done. Maybe he’d scared Jared, maybe the truth about his past was too intense. Or maybe Jared had seriously given thought to trying to fix Jensen and realized that such a task was impossible.

Or maybe - _just maybe_ \- Jared had stopped by the store to see him and Jensen had been in the back room, where he’d spent the good majority of the last week doing inventory.

Pulling up outside the shelter, Jensen swept his gaze around the people gathering and passing along the sidewalk. Jared wasn’t short by any means so picking him out of the crowd should have been easy. When a quick cursory scan and a slow, linger sweep didn’t reveal the man Jensen parked and headed inside, feeling just a little guilty for hitting the button on his key chain to lock the doors with a loud beep.

The people milling around outside the shelter looked at him with something Jensen was sure was contempt, likely trying to assess why someone like him was _there_ of all places. It was after ten, Jensen probably wasn’t supposed to be there, but the door was open so he quietly slipped inside, blinking in the sudden luminescent light.

The main front room was sparsely crowded, people meandering around as they watched the TV airing the New Year’s Eve party in New York City. Jensen stepped to the side to get out of the way of a group of people heading outside and half turned, trying to scan the crowd over the heads of those passing when a laugh caught his attention.

Jensen’s smile automatically twitched up which was nice, knowing he could smile just by hearing Jared laughing. There was this idea he’d been toying with over the last week. Asking Jared to move in with him. Sure, it was a big step, sure they would maybe be rushing into things, but at least Jensen would know Jared was safe and he wouldn’t doubt as much. Maybe.

Then his gaze settled on Jared and ... a guy. The man was dressed decent, his hair was long, dark, and thick, pulled back in a loose pony tail that rested on the nape of his neck. He was reaching out to Jared, touching his hip, and Jared’s hand was on his arm. The man leaned up to say something that once more had Jared’s laugh echoing through the room.

Jensen thought maybe he should turn and walk away. This was probably nothing, it had to be nothing, because him and Jared were _something_. And okay, Jensen had always known they would fall out but he really hadn’t thought it would happen so soon. Jared had seemed to really care for him still on Christmas, he’d seemed happy and content when they fell into bed together that night, and even more so when he woke in the morning.

A full week passed and they hadn’t seen each other. What had changed? Had Jared realized that trying to fix him would be too much? Had he taken Jensen’s story, processed it, and realized he didn’t want to follow up that kind of shit?

No. Jensen had to be jumping to conclusions. Jared was far too nice to do something like this, to end things without talking to Jensen first. There had to be another explanation for all of this.

Then the guy stepped forward and Jared’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him in for a tight hug that nearly lifted the guy off the ground. Jensen sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes wide as he stumbled back. “Fuck,” he whispered, pain clawing through his chest.

Just then Jared looked up and a smile grew on his lips, as if he hadn’t just been caught with his arms around another man who had stroked a hand through Jared’s hair like the caress of a lover. _Stupid. So stupid_. Why had Jensen thought this would work?

“Jensen!” Jared called, stepping foward and Jensen turned, knocking into someone as he rushed from the building.

He couldn’t hear excuses, he didn’t want to know what Jared would say to try and explain what he’d seen. Jared _was_ a good guy, mostly. He’d tell Jensen the truth. He’d met someone else. He’d fallen in love. This guy was everything Jensen wasn’t and Jared didn’t want him anymore.

Tears burned in Jensen’s eyes as he stumbled toward his car and climbed quickly behind the wheel, jamming the keys into the ignition. He looked up in time to see Jared appearing outside the shelter and their eyes met for just a moment. Jared’s lips formed something - maybe his name - and Jensen shifted the car into reverse, the tires skidding as he pulled away from the curb.

He felt a little like he was leaving his heart back on the curb with Jared but he expected that. It hadn’t been that long, maybe Jensen shouldn’t be so broken, maybe he shouldn’t have fallen so hard for Jared. Didn’t matter. It was too late.

  


Jensen spent the first part of New Year’s Eve sitting on the couch and holding one of Jared’s reading books. _Goodnight Moon_. Jared had been so adorable stumbling over those words, blushing because it was such a little kid book and he felt silly for not knowing them. Jensen had brushed the hair off the man’s face and insisted there was nothing wrong with him.

Why Jensen was reliving these memories while his heart was still aching probably had to do with the alcohol he’d already consumed. He was such an idiot.

The sound of cheers and _Happy New Year_ echoed from the apartment above and beside him and Jensen grabbed the bottle of whiskey and took a good long pull from it. Drunk. Things would be much better when he was nice and drunk and didn’t have to think about it anymore.

There was a knock at his door. Jensen took a long swig from his bottle of Jameson. Yeah, he’d spoiled himself. He deserved it though. At least if he got really shit faced drunk it wouldn’t be off cheap whiskey that would give him the headache from hell tomorrow.

“Jensen!” Jared’s voice was surprisingly clear on the other side of the door, maybe a little breathless, likely just desperate. Because Jared of course had to be the type to cheat on him then come around to apologize.

Jensen took another long swig from the bottle and stared at a firework exploding over buildings outside the window. _Happy fucking New Year_.

“Jensen!” Jared called again, the name just a little sharper. “I know you’re there, open the door.”

Rolling his eyes, Jensen took another drink, and another. If he pretended he didn’t hear he’d stop eventually. Right?

“Come on, Jensen, please.” Jared once more called then his voice dropped and lowered but Jensen was still able to hear because, for some reason, he’d pushed off the couch and swayed over to the door. His ear was pressed to the wood and he could hear Jared’s hitch of breath before he continued. “I don’t know what you think you saw but you’re wrong. It- that guy is nothing. Just a friend. Please open up so I can explain.”

Jensen laid his hand on the door and it felt all of a sudden like a wall. A cold, hard wall that separated him from one life or another. Supposing Jared was telling the truth, supposing Jensen had just automatically assumed the worst thing, Jensen could open the door and they would maybe be okay. Or he could stay behind the wall, in this safety, as this heartless cold creature that scorned the world all because of hurt caused at the hand of another.

Despite the alcohol - or maybe because of it - Jensen felt the weight of his decision like the proverbial fork in the road. Left toward a life of love and possibly happiness that could really end at any moment in time - in one too brief moment but undoubtedly painfully - or right toward the solitude and safety of cold stone walls and empty loneliness.

Maybe to the rest of the world the choice would be easy. Jensen, however, could hardly breathe against the band tightening around his chest. Walking down either road seemed an impossible feat at the moment. Jensen was leaning toward the desire simply to disappear completely.

“Jensen,” Jared’s voice was no more than a whisper now but Jensen heard it as if the man’s body was pressed against the other side of the door in a mirror image of his own. Like he knew exactly where Jensen was. “I promised I would fix you. I let you hide this week because I thought it was what you wanted. I thought you needed space but I was wrong. I missed you every single minute because, because I’m in love with you, Jensen. I love you. If you’d just let me explain, I’ll tell you who that guy is, I’ll show you that I still want you more than anyone else.”

One road, another, and Jensen was considering just chugging the Jameson still in his hands until he blacked out. Then all at once he thought about Jared, his smile and his laugh, his warm eyes and open, caring heart. Jared who deserved so much better than the homeless shelter and the life he’d had no control over. Beautiful, perfect, Jared, who for some insane reason was in love with him.

And just like that, everything snapped back, flipped around and straightened out. Jared was in love with him. Jared wasn’t going to hurt him, never intentionally, and he’d walked all this way on the chilly first new night of the year just to explain what had clearly been Jensen’s overreaction to nothing. This was Jensen’s one last chance and if he ignored the man much longer Jared would leave.

It was a short and sharp timeline that Jensen hadn’t anticipated before but suddenly was terrifying to be staring in the face. What if he lost Jared for good? Could he even keep going after something that suddenly seemed so very monumental?

Fumbling, Jensen quickly set the bottle of Jameson on the counter and launched himself at the door once more, tearing it open with one sharp tug. Jared was in a crumbled heap on the floor but he looked up in shock, like he’d already given up hope that Jensen would open the door but had decided to wait it out just in case.

“I’m sorry,” Jared whispered and dipped his head down once more.

Jensen huffed out a pained sound somewhere between disbelief and agony. He knew Jared was sorry, of course, but the fact that he had no need to be was driving Jensen a little insane. In one motion he was falling forward into Jared’s unsuspecting arms. They swayed and tumbled back, Jared landing flat on his back in the middle of the hallway.

“I’m so stupid,” Jensen gasped, planting kisses in circles along every inch of Jared’s skin. “So very stupid. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t hate me.”

“Hate? Jensen? Just wait a second,” Jared said, a little breathless likely due to the fact that Jensen had flat out tackled him moments before. “Sit up.”

Jensen didn’t want to move though. He was far too caught up in the reassuring warmth of Jared’s body beneath his. With that heat came the idea that Jared still felt the same and Jensen needed that. Sure, Jared had just said it, that he loved him, but it wouldn’t have been the first time that Jensen lost something by being moments too late.

When Jared pushed again though Jensen let himself be straightened up. He was sniffing and his face felt too hot and it took Jensen a few moments to realize he was _crying_. Jensen didn’t cry, or he didn’t use to. Of course he didn’t use to make desperate pleas at people for forgiveness either.

“Christian,” Jared said as he stood and pulled Jensen up to his feet.

Frowning, Jensen looked up Jared in confusion. “What?”

“That guy. His name is Christian.” Jared explained and pulled Jensen into the apartment, closing the door behind them. “He runs the shelter. We’ve been friends for a long time.”

“He was all over you,” Jensen said before he could stop and reflect over how much the words would make him sound like a jealous teenager.

Jared laughed softly and shook his head. “That’s just how we are. I mean, I’m kind of touchy feely. I thought you realized that.”

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it,” Jensen muttered and looked around the apartment, still unsure of what this meant between them. “I guess...” he looked up and met Jared’s gaze with a sad smile. “I maybe overreacted.”

“Maybe a little.” Jared nodded and reached out to grab his hand, squeezing softly. “But you believe me right? I swear to god he doesn’t mean anything to me, not like that. I only want to be with you.”

Jensen wanted to believe, _so badly_. “You were gone all week,” he whispered though in all honesty, he’d been so busy over the last week he hadn’t had time to over think Jared’s sudden disappearance. Not until he had a lag in his schedule.

“I thought maybe you were getting a little annoyed with me. I mean, showing up at the shop all the time. I walked by a few times but you guys were always really busy. I just knew it was shaky ground, after everything you told me on Christmas Eve, I didn’t want you to push me away.” Jared sighed and ran a hand up through his hair. “And maybe, a little bit of me wanted to see if you’d come to me, if you needed me at all.”

Jensen hadn’t thought about that. He was self conscious, he’d been just expecting Jared to do the hard work, maybe Jared had wanted someone to chase after him. If just for a little while. In one swift motion Jensen pressed forward and threw his arms around Jared’s shoulders, drawing him in for a hard, deep kiss.

Almost instantly Jared’s arms slid around his waist, drawing him in so their bodies could press together. Their lips rocked hard and fast together, their tongues meeting in the middle and circling slowly. Jensen hadn’t realized the true depth of how badly he missed Jared until this moment, when their bodies were sharing heat and their lips were in constant motion against one another.

He also hadn’t realized just how much he felt for the man until then, that moment, when it slammed so _hard_ into him it pulled a gasp from his lips into the kiss. Jensen tore back and blinked at Jared, swallowed once, twice, then laughed.

“Really? Laughing? You think that’s appropriate now?” Jared all but pouted, even with the hint of a smile on his lips.

“I just realized, and it kind of shocked me, but. God. _God_ Jared, I love you. I’m in love with you.” Just saying the words made everything in Jensen hum and he flattened his hand over Jared’s heart, almost positive he could feel it racing beneath his palm.

Jared was quiet for a few beats then his face exploded in that blinding grin that had pulled Jensen in hook, line, and sinker. “I love you too,” Jared whispered.

Jensen didn’t need anything more than that. He pressed forward and crushed his lips to Jared’s again. After all, they were about to have some really _fucking_ hot make up sex.

Hands were everywhere as if they’d never stopped for a slightly cheesy interlude, and they backed down the hall, bumping into the corner, the hall table, the doorway. Jensen groaned as the kiss broke long enough for Jared to pull his shirt off. Jensen tugged Jared’s off as well, drawing the man instantly back down into him so their lips could meet once more.

At the edge of the bed he shoved Jared’s pants down, sending boxers to join the pile and laughing into the kiss as the man stumbled out of his shoes. Jensen broke back and shoved his pants off, wetting his lips and staring appreciatively down the line of Jared’s body. The man was rock hard, his skin covering with a flush the longer Jensen stared.

Then they were in movement once more, Jensen grabbing Jared by the wrist and spinning him back onto the bed. He instantly crowded into his lover’s space, kissing him hard on the lips then down along his jaw, neck, collar bone. They scooted back along the bed with Jensen’s hand guiding him at the hipbone.

He reached out quickly, grabbing the lube and condom and settling back between Jared’s legs once more. He’d never wanted someone so bad, especially knowing that Jared wanted him just as badly, was practically panting and begging into the kiss as his legs spread as wide as they could.

It felt different then the time before. Maybe because Jensen knew Jared knew what to expect and so he didn’t have to hold his breath at every inch, he didn’t have to wait for the man to adjust to everything new. Instead he worked him open with slow gentle presses of his fingers, spreading and circling and rubbing until Jared was needy and gasping, writhing back against each forward thrust of his fingers.

When he finally drew back and slid his condom on he was shaking nearly as bad as Jared. He slicked the latex and moved forward, nudging forward until he breached the man. Their eyes met and Jensen felt the true weight of his decision. It meant having this, Jared in his bed, Jared in his life, Jared as his love. It meant _wanting_ it too, which was bigger than having it and almost as big as _needing_ it.

Jared’s legs wrapped around his waist as he bottomed out and Jensen dipped down, their lips meeting in a slow and deep kiss that was so much softer, filled with so much more than before. Jensen almost felt like Jared was trying to tell him everything by that one kiss alone and it was okay if he couldn’t put together all the pieces yet, he had time.

His hips lifted from Jared’s and sank slowly back down, inch by mind maddening inch. The thrusts started slow and teasing, taking Jensen deeper and bringing a soft shake to his shoulders. Jared clutched at him, keeping him close so their lips would continue sliding together even as Jensen’s hips picked up speed.

When he finally pulled back from the kiss he was thrusting forward with sharp quick slides, head falling back with a moan as he moved deeper, rocked harder into his lover. Jared released a shuddering gasp when Jensen hit his prostate, arching up to meet each forward motion of hips together.

It felt like it lasted forever, Jensen thrusting into Jared, Jared moaning and writhing and begging _harder, more, please Jensen._ Each thrust was not enough, not even close, and then far too much as his orgasm peaked and he toppled over the edge. Jared came with him the moment Jensen fumbled forward and grasped his cock in a firm stroke.

Jensen collapsed on top of the man, panting into his neck. “Jesus,” he whispered, maybe a little shocked that it really could feel that good. He was convinced that after the first night it was dull and lacking heat, this was anything but and he had a renewed hope for their future.

“Amazing,” Jared murmured, sliding a hand through his hair and laughing softly. “Try not to let that go straight to your head.”

“I already know I’m amazing,” Jensen pointed out with his own quiet laugh and gently pulled free, tying off his condom and tossing it toward the trash then flopping down beside Jared. His arm dropped over the man’s middle and he pressed in closer and it was so _comfortable_ he just wanted to sleep this way forever.

Of course, as soon as he thought it he realized he couldn’t because Jared would go surely at some point and Jensen would just have to force himself to believe the man would come back, at some point. Jensen didn’t like the idea, not at all, and his lips pursed.

Then suddenly a new and bright shiny idea popped into his mind and his heart fluttered with the thought. “Move in with me,” Jensen murmured against Jared’s shoulder, oddly pleased with himself that he thought he might even be ready for this step.

It was quiet and for the first minute Jensen figured it was okay, the question was a lot to absorb after all. Then another minute passed in silence and another and Jensen knew Jared wasn’t sleeping so he was maybe getting a little freaked out.

When Jensen estimated a full five minutes of silence in return he snorted a pained laugh and shook his head. “Never mind, forget it.” He rolled away, tucking under the blankets and squeezing his eyes shut. This shouldn’t hurt so much right? Just because Jared didn’t want to live with him wasn’t the end of the world.

“Jensen,” Jared whispered and apparently followed him, sliding his arm around Jensen’s waist and pressing up against his back. “I have to do this on my own. God, I’d love to live with you, I really would, but I would always feel like you were taking care of me. I gotta get a job and a home on my own, just to know I can.”

And actually, that made a lot of sense. Enough to have Jensen relaxing slightly back against Jared and tilting a head back to see him. “But you’ll still come and stay here a fair amount right?”

“As long as you promise to come and stay at my place when I get one,” Jared whispered, smiling tentatively at him. “You’re not mad?”

“No. I think you’re right.” Jensen rolled toward him and gently kissed the corner of his mouth. “‘Sides, I probably need some time to grow out of some of my ... less than pleasing traits before you move in. It’s for the best, you’re right.”

Jared drew him close and kissed him again. But just because they weren’t living together didn’t mean that Jensen wasn’t going to pretend like they were whenever Jared was over. There was nothing abnormal about that.

  


Jensen had always heard that the older you got, the faster time moved. And it seemed true enough, days blurred into weeks, blurred into months, sending years flying past before he could really even realize. But he learned pretty quickly that when you were happy, when you relaxed into the feeling and just went with it, time was like a fucking rocket.

Things with Jared were like that, relaxed and happy. He went from crawling through reading, to staggering walking, to full out running. By the time Valentine’s Day rolled around Jared could read nearly anything with the occasional pause for questioning and Jensen couldn’t help smiling and laughing because Jared took his new ability and used it as often as possible. At restaurants - like the fancy one they went to on the love soaked holiday - he would offer to read the menu aloud to Jensen and for some reason - love, most likely - Jensen always let him.

Sometimes Jared would stay for two nights in a row at Jensen’s apartment but never more than that because it would risk his place at the shelter. Jensen always bit back that quiet desire to say - _oh fuck this charity case thing. You’re fine, just come live with me._ But it was what Jared wanted, to make things right, so Jensen let it be.

In the middle of February, Jared got a job at a pre-school. It surprised Jensen, he hadn’t thought the man would be interested in that kind of work, but apparently Jared had made a real impression on the lady that ran the place. Especially if she was willing to overlook the fact that Jared lived at a homeless shelter.

Two weeks after he’d started Jared got his first paycheck and Jensen had to live through the embarrassment of being full out tackled in the book shop when Jared came bursting through the doors with the paper in hand. Jensen had laughed though and kissed him back and it was kind of worth it to see the look Peter’s face - his boss had never really taken to the idea of Jensen having a boyfriend, it had stopped bothering Jensen so much though.

Jensen did what any good boyfriend would do and took Jared to the bank after his shift ended. They set up an account for Jared to put his money in because taking it to the shelter would be foolish. Jared stared at his debit card with wide eyed wonder, like someone had just handed him the key to life, the universe, and everything - and somehow Jensen didn’t think that was what Douglas Adams was going for.

That night Jared insisted on treating them to burgers and shakes at Denny’s and Jensen smiled at him across the table as their legs rested together beneath. There was certainly something to be said about feeling ridiculous happy. Some days were bad, sometimes Jensen wanted to crawl under his bed and never get out - after a particular vivid nightmare or when it had been too long since he’d last seen Jared - but he always pushed through. Mainly because there was always someone to take his hand and guide him along.

Then Jensen suffered some sort of existential crisis when, at the first of March, he turned thirty. It put things into weird perspective, like maybe he should start questioning working at a book store at his age or something. Jared brought him back down to Earth with long kisses and skilled touches and the promise that he still loved him, even if he was old now. Jensen had smacked his arm but he laughed and Jensen thought maybe thirty wouldn’t be such a bad year for him.

Mid-March Jared got his own apartment.

It was just one big room with a bathroom along one wall and a tiny little nook that made up the kitchen. But it was only five blocks from Jensen’s building and it was _Jared’s_ so that made everything worthwhile. Jensen had gone furniture shopping with him and he chipped in for the extra-large futon that could go from couch to bed in an instant - mainly because Jared had been eyeing it longingly since they’d first seen it but his budget didn’t extend that far.

Jared had protested but Jensen rolled his eyes and insisted if he was going to spend the night at Jared’s place, he wasn’t sleeping on a crappy couch that his feet hung off the edge of. That had quickly ended the protests, maybe because Jared simply stared at him with a dopey wide smile that made Jensen rolls his eyes once more but smile back.

That first night they spread out the futon, covered it with blankets and pillows, and laid together watching rerun sitcoms on the way too large TV Jared had gotten at the pawn shop. The TV was stacked on plastic boxes and Jensen wasn’t sure it wouldn’t tip over if someone slammed the door but it worked.

They ate mac’n’cheese from the pot with plastic silverware and their feet bounced together in a strange version of footsy. There was a smile a mile wide on Jared’s face - and dimples so deep Jensen thought they had to be bottomless pits - and Jensen smiled back because it was kind of, really awesome to see his boyfriend so very happy.

With the passing of April, May, and June, several major things happened.

Jared was doing so great at the pre-school he got promoted. Which was awesome for Jared and his self esteem but sucked because Jensen’s time with him was cut short on too many occasions. Jared stopped staying over during the week - only on weekends - and Jensen started feeling that tightness pulling around his chest once more. It was remarkably hard not to think _well this is it, I always knew it would come to this_ and at its worse Jensen began to ignore Jared’s calls.

Jared, though, knew him well enough by now not to be swayed. He showed up at Jensen’s apartment and used the key Jensen had given him to let himself in. He then managed to somehow reduce Jensen to tears with just one look and made everything up to him with a three hour love making session followed by an extended cuddle session. It was a Tuesday and Jensen expected Jared to climb out of bed and trek back to his place but Jared quietly insisted walking an extra five blocks to the pre-school would be totally worth staying with Jensen for the night. And things got better.

In May, Jared’s school let out for the summer and so Jared was suddenly looking the frightening idea of unemployment square in the face. Jensen got him a job at the ice cream shop directly to the right of the bookstore. It paid less than Jared’s semi-teaching - more like babysitting - job but the hours were enough to cover his bills and there was the perk of lining up breaks so they could share kisses in the alley between their shops like sneaky teenagers.

Then, in June, they ran into _him_.

They were walking through the mall, holding hands, and Jensen was pestering Jared about what he wanted for his rapidly approaching birthday. Jared had just made a joke about some type of _enlarger_ and was still chuckling about it when Jensen looked up and his steps drew to a stop.

Six months of happiness, six months of learning that saying goodbye meant just for a little while and that, even when they bickered over little things like living together and financial savings, they would always be okay in the end. All of that had led up to this moment, six and a half years later and Jensen was once more staring at the man who plagued his dreams, if not as frequently as before.

“Jen? What’s wrong?” Jared asked in confusion, looking at him then forward, then back. When he finally looked forward again Andrew was only a couple of steps away and Jared’s body tensed as much as Jensen’s. “Is that him?”

Jensen wasn’t all that sure he could form words at the moment. There he was, slowing his steps, staring at Jensen with the hint of a smirk-smile that instinctively had him flinching. He felt a little dizzy, like his knees were going to give out, all the blood rushing to his ears where it pulsated and pumped and Jensen swayed gently from the lack of oxygen he was forgetting to breathe in.

Then, Jared was touching his face, sliding a hand over his chest, full on pulling him into a side hug and Jensen caught the familiar whiff of soap and musky Jared scent - that warm little glow that filled every inch of him with something pleasant, safe, love. Jensen looked away from Andrew and back at Jared and smiled softly. He wasn’t that person anymore, still living under the thumb of a man he hadn’t seen for half a decade. He was just Jensen, who was dating Jared, and they were about to run into his ex but they’d make it through that too.

“Jensen? God, look at you. It’s been far too long,” Andrew was fake politeness as he always was. An actor to the core really. You wouldn’t even know how horrible and dark it was just beyond that smile if you hadn’t lived it.

Jensen had, so his own smile was just as fake and he clutched to Jared’s hand. “Andrew. Hi.” He nodded briefly toward him then looked over at Jared and his smile morphed to fond affection. “This is my boyfriend, Jared. Jared, this is Andrew.”

“Nice to meet you.” Andrew continued his polite charade, offering his hand and half stepping forward.

Jared considered him for a long moment, looking between his hand and his slowly fading smile, then scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

Jensen had to swallow the little wave of laughter at that. And he just barely held off a wince when a flash of that darkness Jensen knew so well crossed Andrew’s face. The man’s hand dropped as did his smile. “Really. Jensen, I thought you had no taste for immaturity. It must be sure size alone that appeals to you.”

Scowling, Jensen shook his head, quite suddenly feeling only anger toward the man. No one insulted his Jared and got away with it. “Well I see that you’re alone. What’s the matter Andrew? Did the rest of the world finally see what a monster you are? Or are you just too old to get it up now?” He tugged Jared’s hand and stepped to the side. “Bye, Andrew.”

Jensen pulled Jared away from the man before anything more could be said. That was certainly one goodbye he _prayed_ meant forever.

Jared stumbled after him a few minutes, as their pace increased, and half gasped when they suddenly burst out a side door and stepped out into the back alley of the mall. Jensen was shivering, nerves spent, and Jared quickly folded him between his arms and against his chest, rocking him gently back and forth. “God that was amazing Jen,” Jared whispered, kissing his hair. “So fucking amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

A pathetic little sniffle filled laugh fell from Jensen and he pulled back enough to meet Jared’s eyes. “Proud of me?”

“Yeah. Most people would have turned and fled before he even got close. You though, you met him head on and you didn’t back down. That’s just ... you know, it’s awesome.” Jared shrugged, looping his arms low around Jensen’s waist.

Leaning into the man, Jensen laughed softly. “Awesome huh? Sweet.”

“Definitely. Very sweet.” Jared grinned and dipped down to kiss him.

Maybe it was full circle. Maybe Jensen needed to come back to that moment and face Andrew again and _survive_ through it. Any of those things, or all of them, had lit a new type of light in Jensen. There wasn’t a single part of him hovering with the worrisome question of _how long will this last_.

Instead he was falling into the kiss, into Jared’s arms, safe in the knowledge that his beautiful, perfect, _awesome_ boyfriend would be there to hold him up.


End file.
